alittlebriton (alittlebriton) wrote in metaquotes,

Why the UK lost its bloody empire

athena25 comes up with a new game for the whole family this Christmas:

"Oh no! It's the Festive Season, but your present has been kidnapped by the Kafkaesque Faceless Bureaucracy of The Royal Mail - can you thwart their diabolical puzzles and machinations in order to get your gift before The Fat Man arrives?

This is a game for at least two players. The total number of players is in theory unlimited, but beginners are advised to start with only two lest they become quivering wrecks. The goal of the game is to get your Christmas Present before you collect so many Frustration Points (FP) so that you turn into MegaAngryPreChristmasRagePerson and kill everyone in sight then explode.

The Rules
  1. The players must not live at the same address
  2. Both players must be at work during the day when post is delivered
  3. The players must not meet up in person at any point during this game

How To Play

Player One sends a parcel by Special Delivery to the Player Two
This parcel must go to Player Twos postal address, but the name on the parcel must be that of Player One
Royal Mail will then fail to deliver the parcel, because it needs a signature, and will return it to their collection office thus kidnapping the present (this is a cut scene, you can't stop this from happening, so just let it play through)
The next day, Player Two will get a ransom note in the shape of a "Sorry You Were Out" card, this will give them the precise parameters of the game (difficulty level can be changed by Player One selecting different postage options, such as "large items" or "perishable item")

Player Two needs Player Ones ID to collect the parcel from the Delivery Office, but as they cannot meet, they cannot get this.
Player Two needs to collect their parcel before it is "Returned To Sender" (this effectively ends the game)

Hints and Tips

Royal Mail have an automated phone line that cuts you off before you can speak to a person - but it does lure you into the false sense that you might actually at some point find a real person - beware! This is a ruse that will accrue Frustration Points at a rapid rate

At any point you can cut down your Frustration Points by doing any of the following - although they will cut down on the time you are able to solve the puzzle and may cause injury: kicking things, swearing loudly, drinking gin.

The Delivery Office do not answer their phone although it is the contact details on the ransom note - again, beware repeatedly dialling this number in case you get over your FP limit

There is no option to contact a person via the website - don't even try, this is a minigame for Advanced Players only.

Player Review

I spent most of the morning playing this game and did find that I racked up an awful lot of Frustration Points, in the end did manage to solve the puzzle, although it does involve me sitting in for Saturday morning to sign for the parcel."

Context is barking and biting the postman's ankles.

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