bcdm (bcdm) wrote in metaquotes,

Seriously, is there a metaquote *not* about Twilight lately?

Long time lurker, first time poster.

jaggywar guarantees a long and healthy relationship with your favorite Twihard as follows:

I saw, on a Twilight fanboard that shall remain unnamed for now, that there were girls--I am not making this up--who read Twilight, and then dumped their boyfriends for not being enough like Edward Cullen. Hence, boys, just in case you wind up dating a Twihard fan, this handy-dandy list:

How To Be Like Edward Cullen.

1. Start taking crystal meth.

No, I'm not kidding. This is the first and most important step. Get your hands on some ice and start taking it, NOW! This will induce the required Edwardian personality traits; i.e., paranoia, jealousy, and, of course, bizarro manic depression. Edward is, as you'll note in Twilight and Midnight Sun, constantly swinging between wanting to kill Bella and wanting to make babies with her. He also swoops from the heights of rapturous joy to the depths of darkest despair, often within a single paragraph. The side effects of anorexia, insomnia, and an utterly trashed immune system will also help you to create that skinny, pallid, vampire look the girls love. Crystal meth may give you fatal lung, kidney, and heart disorders, but it's the best possible way to start on the road to becoming the perfect Edward Cullen-style boyfriend.

2. Perfect your housebreaking skills.

If you can't already climb up drainpipes and pick locks on both windows and doors, now's the time to learn! One of the most romantic things Edward did was breaking into Bella's house before they started dating to watch her sleep. So, once you can effectively enter and leave a house without getting caught (it's best to practice this on your own house a few times--your family is much less likely to call the police if/when they catch you than a stranger's family is) simply pick some cute, pale girl you've never actually spoken to, find out her address, and get started! It's best to do this in summer, when the windows are more likely to be open. If she has flyscreen or security bars installed, you're shit out of luck--pick a new girl and try again.

3. Buy body glitter. Lots of it.
Edward Cullen sparkles in the sunlight. To achieve this effect, simply find a shade of body glitter that works well with your skintone--silver or white will probably be best if you want to truly imitate Edward's diamond-like shimmering--buy it in bulk, and smear it on yourself on every sunny day. Make sure to cover all skin that has a chance of being exposed--face, neck, shoulders, chest, hands, forearms, feet, and ankles for a start. If you plan on opening your shirt at any point, make sure to cover the whole of your torso. A full body wax will also help here; remember, Edward Cullen doesn't have anything as mortal or unsightly as body hair!

4. Steal pieces of a girl's car whenever she mentions going somewhere.

Edward routinely steals the engine out of Bella's car when she wants to do something that doesn't directly involve him. You may need to brush up on your mechanical skills to do this, but if you've been diligently taking your crystal meth, the intense paranoia may well be all you need. If she wants to visit a male friend other than you--steal her engine! If she wants to take a daytrip to somewhere without you--steal her engine! If she wants to visit a family member--steal her engine! See how easy it is?

5. Invest in a chastity belt.

Edward doesn't have sex with Bella until they're married. Therefore, neither can you. The chastity belt may help. Good luck.

Context weeps for our nation's children. Quipped.

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