I understand you to be the most powerful woman in the world, nay, the Universe. You can make women lose their shit over hand warmers and free books, and you give away cars like they're just matchbox toys. You have inspired many people all over the world to be better, to do good, and to realize their full potential. You are such a caring and seemingly wonderful person, but I just have something to say that I need to get off of my chest:
You are out of touch with fucking reality.
Let me explain.
I am a subscriber to your magazine because I love your little pearls of wisdom. Your 'What I Know for Sure' column is highly inspiring and your contributors are usually very well rounded and entertaining. But your shopping section is HILARIOUS. Your most recent issue is the Christmas issue where you have '63 Perfect Presents ($8 to $99)' and 'Oprah's top 10 Gifts for Under $100'. I was so fucking excited to open up this magazine and dive into the depths of some of Oprah's Favorite things! I wanted to purchase them and give them for the holidays and tell people as they opened their gift: 'You know, Oprah recommended this!' and then I could feel a little bit of your power vicariously through my awesome gift giving.
And then I opened the magazine which is so chock full of shit that I don't know whether to laugh or cry. There is no reason anyone in my family needs $30.00 pulse point perfume, $42.00 cashmere socks, or $69-79 dollar gloves.
I could get all of that at Wal-Mart for $25.00 and have change. Oprah, when you first started you were supposed to be for the women. Most of us, the women, can't afford half the shit you try to hawk in your magazine. Hell, I can hardly afford your magazine but I get it to make a statement. That statement is: 'I am better than all of you women who DO NOT have a subscription to the monthly Bible'. Because you and I both know that most women and a few gay guys pretty much just do whatever you tell them to.
As I flip through the magazine, there is a very lovely bookmark that I thought would be a nice looking thing to mark my page where I left off. And then I got to the price and almost had a stroke. $56.00, Oprah, for a bookmark? Who in the hell needs a $56.00 bookmark? Do you know how many bookmarks I lose on a daily basis? For $56.00 I could buy eight five-star notebooks and have enough paper to make bookmarks for LIFE. I also do not know anyone in their right mind who would actually order a tin of 10 (TEN) cookies for $65.00.
Actually, I take that back. There is one woman in all the world who has enough money to buy whatever she wants and then tell us we should buy the same things in the pages of her magazine. That woman is you, Oprah. Only you could possibly think that it's okay to order $65.00 cookies in the mail when there are starving children in Africa.
Thank you, and goodnight.
Context is flocked, and QWP. ;)