Just going through life, trying to survive. (calandria) wrote in metaquotes,
Just going through life, trying to survive.

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It's the skippy list for the tech support crowd!

Context is upsetting the management quote by



Things I should and shouldn't do at the helpdesk

Note: some of these are hypothetical. Honest.

1) Not allowed to use the word 'hosed' in an incident ticket when referring to a dead hard drive.

1a) Not allowed to use the word 'dead' in an incident ticket to refer to a broken hard drive.

1b) Probably not allowed to use the word 'bricked' either.

2) No longer allowed to use the word 'killed' when talking about ending a process via task manager. We are instead supposed to use the word 'terminated'.*

3) Not allowed to write incident tickets in the following manner: 'Applied fix X > not okay. Applied fix Y > not okay. Applied fix Z > not okay. Also, this made Outlook crash. Yay."

4) Allowed to quote the customer directly: 'Advised customer to do X. Customer advised me this 'made it do bad things".

4a) As long as I then make sure to clarify what said 'bad thing' actually is.

5) Not allowed to start giggling madly when a customer phones and says "My laptop just committed suicide".

6) Not allowed to use the highly descriptive phrase "I think it's deaded," when talking to the team consultants.

6a) Unless I particularly want to get involved in a discussion on what exactly 'deaded' means.

7) Not allowed to use the phrase "Just nuke it from orbit'' when newbies can overhear.

8) Allowed to politely bitch-slap customers when they refuse to listen to advice.

9) Not allowed to mute the phone and mutter "Also, I can kill you with my brain," when newbies can overhear.

10) Not supposed to wander over to the team consultants saying "I iz confuzzled. Again".

10a) When I do decide to use to the aforementioned phrase, I am not supposed to fake being upset/indignant/insulted when they start taking the piss.

11) Not supposed to wander over having forgotten to do the most basic steps in troubleshooting. The database is there for a reason.

12) Not allowed to confuse the newbies.

13) Not allowed to confuse the old hands either.

14) No, not even when/if they ask for it.

15) Not supposed to teach creative swearwords and phrases to my neighbours.

15a) Yes, 'arse-buggering festering twatmuffin' falls in this category.

16) Not supposed to mutter "Shit, they found me," and try to hide under my desk when one of my co-workers is wandering over to ask me a question.

17) Probably not allowed to try to bounce my orange clown fish off the head of my desk mate.

18) Not supposed to crawl under the desk to fix the wiring and then respond to "What are you doing?" with "Waxing my legs" or other silly statements.

18a) Yes, answering "Trying to find the way to Narnia," is a silly statement.

19) Not supposed to express a desire for a huge foam bat.

20) Not supposed to confuse people by referring to my invisible inflatable swordfish.

21) No, I should not be allowed to sing #I can't decide whether you should live or die...# at co-workers and/or customers. I should know better than to ask.

22) No telling customers "If this doesn't work, I'm going to have to ask you to get a chicken and a sharp knife".**

23) No anthropomorphosising applications. Netmeeting does not 'sulk', it just refuses to work if a certain port it wants is in use by another application.

24) Office does not 'occasionally throw a hissfit'.

24a) Well, maybe it does, but you're not supposed to phrase it like that.

25) Not supposed to express a desire to punt an annoying customer through a wall. At least not within earshot of someone in a managerial capacity.

26) "Ready to face the enemy?" is not the best way to make newbies feel confident about their first call.

* Expect to have to add '2a) Nor am I allowed to use the phrase "terminated with extreme prejudice".' soon.

** Fortunately, this man had an excellent sense of humour.

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