dopplar_fex (dopplar_fex) wrote in metaquotes,
dopplar_fex
dopplar_fex
metaquotes

Kitten hands? nobleplatypus wonders

But now I'm actually thinking about it, and kitten-hands are not just adorable, but freaking hilarious. Imagine if you will what it would be like to wake up and find that you had kittens instead of hands. HOW WOULD YOU LIVE?

Greetings would be awkward, because if you tried to shake someone's hand, you'd really just be thrusting a kitten at them. They might not know how to react. What if they weren't paying attention and they just grabbed the kitten and gave it a squeeze? What if they were allergic?

What if YOU were allergic? We'll just assume you're not.

What if you needed to pick something up or open a door? You'd have to teach the kittens to grip things in their little paws, but kittens are easily distracted and would probably drop things a lot. They'd also bat at the strings of your hoodie, if you had one on, or at your jewelry. But I don't know how you'd put any of that on, because remember--kittens, not hands. Plus, training them yourself would be difficult: how would you reward them? You can't use a clicker or hand them a treat, because your hands are KITTENS, and even if you could get one of them to pick up a treat, you can bet your ass it wouldn't want to hand the treat over to its fellow kitten-hand.

What if your kitten-hands FOUGHT? What if they didn't get along?

And what about the bathroom?? You'd walk out and they'd just be licking themselves furiously. Or you could wash them, but washing your kitten-hands would take ages, because your kitten-hands would hate being washed! They'd claw at the edges of the sink, trying to haul themselves out of the water! HOW FREAKY WOULD THAT LOOK? THEY'RE ATTACHED TO YOU AT THE WRIST! And after that whole ordeal, you'd then have to hold your kitten-hands under those automatic dryers for a long time to get their fur all dry. And then they'd just wind up licking themselves, anyway, so their overall cleanliness would always be in doubt. And they'd bat at the toilet paper instead of just ripping off the few pieces you needed, and you'd be like, "DAMMIT, KITTEN-HANDS, IT'S CHARMIN, WE DON'T NEED THAT MUCH."

... DUDE. Since your hands are both kittens with distinct personalities, you'd have to start referring to yourself in third person plural.

And if your kitten-hands fell asleep, instead of just shaking them vigorously or smacking them around until they woke up, like you would if your normal hands fell asleep, you'd think they were too damn adorable to possibly disturb. You'd have to adjust your schedule. If, towards the end of your lunch hour, your kitten-hands just zonked out, you'd have to wait for them to wake up, because they're just so goshdarn cute all sprawled on top of the local paper's TV listings, purring faintly with their little eyes squinched shut. You'd want to take a picture, but you wouldn't be able to without waking up at least one of the kitten-hands, and you probably wouldn't get a very good photo anyway, because your recently-awoken kitten-hand would be groggy... and also a kitten.

HOW WOULD YOU EAT?

context can't type because the kittens are sleepy.

Check out the comments too for more laughs
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