The owner of a grey cat (jennielf) wrote in metaquotes,
The owner of a grey cat
jennielf
metaquotes

Dickens meets the Force.

Our very own chaosvizier has created the ultimate Force/Dickens match-up. :)



A Jedi Christmas Carol


Darth Sidious: Bah! Humbug! Christmas! Cratchett! Do yer work or I cut you.
Maul Cratchet: Yes, my master.
Darth Bane's Ghost: Repent, Sidious! The Sith way is real bad, man! Really real bad! Also, your apprentice is totally going to paste you.
DS: WTFever. *force lighting zap*
DBG: Um, spirit here? You got nothing. But there's more where I came from... *vanishes*

**

DS: That Maul's just not cutting it. I might have to buy a new apprentice. Older... more stately... like Saruman, with shorter hair. Yeah...
Ghost of Jedi Christmas Past: With me you must come! See your past we shall! Lifechanging it may be!
DS: Gah! What, you runty spirit, you piece of undigested beef!
GJCP: Missed your line you did; last scene that should have been. But see!
*special effects flash*
*Sidious beats the stuffing out of Darth Plagis*
DS: Ah, good times.
GJCPast: Raised you he did! And taught you! Like father he was!
DS: Sure, but it's the Sithly way, to rise up and get power. Strike down the master, and all that.
GJCP: Remorse you feel, yeeeees!
*vanishes*
DS: Well, now that he mentioned it, I do feel some remorse... how odd...
Ghost of Jedi Christmas Present: Not as odd as this, motherfucker!
DS: Language!
GJCPres: Shut your mouth Sith boy! Do not make me go Old Republic on your ass! *pimpslaps*
DS: Ow! I thought you were spirits!
GJCPres: Jedi pimpslap transcends life and death, motherfucker! Now watch this!
*more special effects*
*hey look, Maul Cratchet's house*
MC: I'm sorry, Tiny Maul, but being a Sith apprentice doesn't bring in the cash.
Tiny Maul: It's ok, daddy, because I still love you!
Mrs. Cratchet: Why don't you strike down the old coot and be done with this hogwash?
MC: Not yet. He's still a good teacher, and I respect him. I won't do it.
*end flashback- er, flashnow*
DS: Maul, you spineless twit! You've got a family! What is this?
GJCPres: And he cares for them. But he cares for you too, foo! You two could have eternal friendship in Jedi harmony, if you just listened to your feelings.
*vanishes*
DS: ...something feels unfinished here.
GJCPres: *from distance* MOTHERFUCKEEEEEERRRRRRRR...
DS: Ah, that was it. I suppose Maul is a good chap, of sorts... but still, he's just an apprentice.
Ghost of Jedi Christmas Future: AS WILL I BE ONE DAY!
DS: Thulsa Doom? You were a Sith?
GJCF: BEHOLD YOUR FUTURE!
*more special effects, again*
*Darth Vader tosses Emperor Palpatine into a deep shaft that really shouldn't have been in a throne room in the first place*
DS: Wait... that was me? I'm all... wrinkly!
GJCF: DEATH IS YOUR FATE! TURN FROM THE DARK PATH!
DS: Who... who are you?
GJCF: THERE ARE SOME WHO CALL ME... ANI?
DS: The little feeb tooling around with Obi-Wan? You?
GJCF: THE FUTURE CAN BE CHANGED... AS CAN YOU!
*vanishes*
DS: Can it be real?
GJCF: *from distance* THIS IS CNN.
DS: If it's on CNN, it must be real! I will repent! I will turn from the Sithly way and become a Jedi! CRATCHET!
MC: Yes, my master?
DS: We're going Jedi! Grow out some hair so I can give you a ridiculous looking braid. And here, have some cash for your family.
MC: But you said money was hard to come by!
DS: Don't knock a Senator's salary, good lad. Come! There's good to be done!
Tiny Maul: And may the Force be with us, every one.

FIN


Context is in response to a disturbing riff on Dickens p0rn Fanfic options. :) Public, but QWP anyway...

Mods, please let me know if I did something wrong...:)
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