Introduction and Salutation
1 The revelation of Harry Potter, which JKR gave to him to show to his servants what must soon take place; and he made it known by sending his astral body to the intarweb, 2who bore witness to the word of JKR and to the testimony of Harry Potter, even to all that he saw. 3Blessed is the wanka who reads aloud the word of the Deathly Hallows, and blessed are those who download it, and those who keep what is written herein even though they have been mercilessly spoiled; for the time is near.
4Fandom Wank to the Internets, that are in their seven Intertubes:
Splooge to you and wank from she who is and who was and who is to come if Scholastic has anything to say about it, and from the seven books that are before her throne, 5and from Harry Potter the Boy Who Lived, the firstborn of tragically dead parents, and Sex God of the Internets.
To him who loves us on the astral plane, no really, and has freed us from our sins by his CAPSLOCK 6and made us a fandom, wankas to his Author and Creator, to him be fapping and wankstorms to end all wankstorms for ever and ever. Google. 7Behold, he is coming with the books, and every eye will see him, every one who read him, and all tribes of the earth will wail on account of him. Even so. Google.
A Vision of Harry
9I Fandom Wank your sibling, who share with you in Harry Potter the shipping and the fandom and the patient endurance between book releases, was on the island called Barnes & Noble on account of the word of JKR and the testimony of Harry Potter. 10I was on the astral plane on the release date, and I heard behind me a loud voice like a glockenspiel 11saying, "Blog what you see on LiveJournal and send it to the seven Intertubes, to Fandom Wank and to the Cornfield and to Portkey and to Youtube and to its_a_fake and to spoil_me_dh and to cat_macros."
12Then I turned to see the voice that was speaking to me, and on turning I saw seven golden Snitches, 13and in the midst of the Snitches one like a son of James Potter, clothed with a long robe and a Hogwarts uniform; 14his head and his hair were dark like the darkness of my soul; his eyes were like the green of Snape's potion for Lily, 15his feet were like well-polished leather, like the leather his pants ought to have been, and his voice was the sound of a panty-immolating English accent; 16in his right hand he held seven wands that were not phallic symbolism at all, from his mouth issued the sword of Godric Gryffindor, and his face was like the partly-cloudy skies with a 70% chance of rain later on tonight.
17When I saw him, I fell at his feet as though ded of coke. But he laid his right hand upon me, saying, "Fear not, I am the first and the last book, 18and the Boy Who Lived; I died, and behold I am alive on the Internets forevermore, and I have the keys of fanfiction and LiveJournal. 19Now write what you see, what is and what is to take place hereafter. 20As for the mystery of the seven wands which you saw in my right hand, and the seven golden Snitches, the seven wands are the BNFs of the seven Intertubes and the seven Snitches are the seven Intertubes.
QWP from here and here (link contains spoilers).