Hannah (_paroxysm_) wrote in metaquotes,
Hannah
_paroxysm_
metaquotes

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A Manifestation of Exam Stress

Rather long but funny for drama/interwebz/LJ geeks

thiswaste's Hamlet in a Nutshell (QWP)


HAMLET: OMG WTF LULZ I THINK THEREFORE I AM A PHILOSOPHY STUDENT LMAO

HORATIO: CUM! LULZ THERE'S A GHOST

HAMLET: YOU BEE SMOKING TOO MYCH POT LULZ

HORATIO: I'M SERIOUS

HAMLET: O RLY?

HORATIO: JA, RLY

HAMLET: LULZ OK

GHOST: WHOOOOOOOOOO

HAMLET: LULZ WOOT. STAY HERE HORRY. I GO BE PRINCELY

HORATIO: LULZ PURPLE RAIN

HAMLET: LULZ

GHOST: HAMLET

HAMLET: SUP BRUVVA

GHOST: FATHER, ACTUALLY

HAMLET: LULZ!

GHOST: YOUR UNCLE KILLED ME LULZ. SEEK REVENGE.

HAMLET: OMGWTFBBQ

GHOST: AND BTW, UR MUM'S A WHORE

HORATIO: TRUE, DAT

exunt, flourish




HAMLET: OMG OPEHLIA I WANNA TOUCH UR TITTIES

OPHELIA: LULZ. OK.

EXUNT





POLONIUS: OPHELIA I FORBID YOU FROM SEEING HAMLET. HE ONLY WANTS UR TITTIES

OPHELIA: NOT TRUE. WHAT WE HAVE IS DEEP YO




OPHELIA: OMG HAMLET LOOKS STONED

POLONIUS: HE MUST BE CRAZY IN LOVE WITH YOU LULZ

EXUNT





POLONIUS: HAMLET IS CRAZY YO

GERTRUDE: YA I kNO

CLAUDIUS: LULZ. I KNOW. WE'LL BRING HIS FRIENDS OVER

POLONIUS: HELLO HAMLET

HAMLET: GOOSE CHICKEN CANDYFLOSS

POLONIUS: DO YOU KNOW ME?

HAMLET: YES YOU ARE A FISHMONGER LULZ

POLONIUS (ASIDE): DRAT AND DOUBLE DRAT

EXUNT




HAMLET: LULZ SHALL I KILL MYSELF? DUNNO. WILL ASK FOR ADVICE ON LJ

(types) TO B OR NOT TO B: COMMENT YO. O YA, SOMETHIN BOUT DREAMS AND COILS. LULZ. GTG XXXX

ENTER OPHELIA

OPHELIA: HEY HAMLET. WANNA BLOW JOB

HAMLET: EWWWW GROSS COOTIES. GIRL, YOU IS SO UGLY, YOU MITE AS WELL BE A NUN

OPHELIA sobs

HAMLET: I AINT NEVER LOVED YOU, HO

enter actors

HAMLET: OMG I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A DIRECTOR LULZ. CAN YOU DO THAT SPEECH FROM THAT PLAY

ACTOR: SURE.

HAMLET: OK BUT ONLY THE FIRST WORD COS I WANNA SCRIPTWRITE TOO

ACTOR: FO SHO

exunt





the theatre, people take their places, lights dim

ACTOR KING: LULZ G, ME WANNA SUCK ON YA CLIT

ACTOR QUEEN: OH YA BBY

ACTOR KING: YA YA

ACTOR QUEEN: HOLD ON LULZ, I GETS US CONDOMS

actor queen exits, actor 3 enters and pours poison into actor kings ear

CLAUDIUS: OMG. DID SOMEONE READ MY PRIVATE LJ ENTRY????

HAMLET (ASIDE): HA! THE GHOST IS HAX0RS

exunt




CLAUDIUS: O GOD SAAAAAAAAVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEE

HAMLET: OH NOES. REPENTANCE



HAMLET: STABBITY STAB

POLONIUS: I IS DEAD LULZ

GERTRUDE: OMG WAH

hamlet is shipped to england



:
LAERTES: WHADDAYA MEAN MY FATHER IS DEAD?

POLONIUS: LULZ

LAERTES: MOFO

POLONIUS: I KNOW, WE TRICK HAMMIE AND POISON HIM

ENTER OPHELIA

OPHELIA: BISCUIT SHAMPOO RUB-A-DUB-DUB

CLAUDIUS: WTF LULZ

OPHELIA (sings): IF YUU WANNA BE MAH LUVARR YUU GOTSTA GET WIV MY FRIENDS!!

LAERTES: LULZ

OPHELIA: LULZ. HULA HOOP GREMLIN AARDVARK GERMANY ASHTRAY. OOOOOH PRETTY FLOWAAARSSSSS. LULA. OH NOES. GTG. GN SWEET LAYDIES, GN, GN, SD, TC

enter gertrude, stifling laughter

GERTRUDE: LAERTES? LULZ

LAERTES: YA?

GERTRUDE: YA KNOW HEH HEH YOUR SEEESTER? UUMMFFFGGH

LAERTES: YA?

GERTRUDE: SHE DIED LULZ

LAERTES: OH NOES

exunt




a graveyard

MAN 1: LUL WE DIG DIG DIG DIG DIG DIG DIG DIG DIG THE WHOLE DAY THRUUUUU

MAN 2: HEIGH HO HEIGH HO ITS DIGGIN GRAVES WE GO

ENTER HAMLET

HAMLET: OMG DEAD BODIES LEMME SEE

MAN 1: OK. THIS IS YORICK

HAMLET: ALAS, POOR YORICK, I KNEW HIM HORATIO. HIS SCREEN NAME WAS YORICKXMETALCORE AND HE POSTED ON MY MMORPG FORUM

ENTER LAERTES AND PRIEST

PRIEST: YOUR SISTER KILLED HERSELF LULZ SHE GOIN TO HELLLLL

LAERTES: NOOOOOOOOOO

laertes jumps up and down on opelia's dead body

HAMLET: OI WTF

LAERTES: I LUVED HER

HAMLET: LULZ NO YOU DIDNT, I DID

GERTRUDE: SWEETS FOR THE SWEET

HAMLET: SUGAR FOR MY HEART LULZ!

exit gertrude and laertes

enter messenger

MSNGR: OMG HAMMIE, LAERTES CHALLENGES YOO!!!11ELEVEN

HAMLET: LULZ WTF



the duel

CLAUDIUS: HERRRE HAMLET HAVE SOME OF THIS DRINK WHICH I POISONED AND AM SUBTLEY OFFERING YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW I WANNA KILL YOU

HAMLET: NO 10X

GERTRUDE: I'M THIRSTY (DRINKS)

CLAUDIUS: NOOOOOOO

HAMLET: LULZ

GERTRUDE: LULZ (DIES)

LAERTES STABS HAMLET, HAMLET STABS LAERTES

LAERTES: OHNOES LULZ YOO IS POISONED

HAMLET: OH NOES! I WILL STAB CLAUDIUS (STABS) AND NOW DREEEEENK THIS YUMMY BEVERAGE (FORCES CLAUDIUS TO DRINK)

CLAUDIUS: DANGNABBIT

HAMLET: LULZ. HORATIO WRITE THIS ON LJ FOR ME

HAMLET DIES

LATER, HORATIO LOGS ON TO LJ

HORATIO TYPES: HI GUYS. HAMMIE DIED. SO SORRY. KTHXBYYYE

FORTINBRAS_LIKES_BRAS: OMG NO WAY. WE WILL BURY HIM AND PLAY TUPAC AT HIS WEDDING

HORATIO: FO SHO

FORTINBRAS_LOVES_BRAS: HAY CAN I MOD HIS COMMUNITIES NOW?

exunt and flourish
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