Yes, I Have One (supremegoddess1) wrote in metaquotes,
Yes, I Have One
supremegoddess1
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Independence Day it ain't

scarletdemon and unimag say you're crazy if you think the earth would defeat an alien attack:


A statistic.


"16% of Americans believe that the United States
would win a war against alien invaders of Earth"



That's 1-in-6 for the less statistically-inclined amongst you.

While that may not be a massive number, unimag and I saw this and we're in agreement - it's still far too many people. Stupid people. Stupid people who watch films made in America, with American heroes wherein the good guys always win.

People who don't understand what the 'fiction' part of 'science-fiction' means. The same sort of people who believe in the Tooth Fairy, Father Christmas and Helicopters.

The United States may very well be one of the foremost military powers in the world1, but we're talking about defending against a full scale planetary assault here. The combined military might of Earth is going to be outmatched, never mind that of a single nation...

Still not sure? Then let us convince you :

1Albeit one that regularly has trouble defeating small, third-world nations.

1. Aliens wouldn't target our monuments
They'd focus their attention on important military and industrial targets, instead. Because invasions are rarely decided by things like 'most stylish explosion' or 'most damage to the cultural landscape'. Distracting the National Trust is rarely a priority for anyone; they're just as irrelevant no matter what happens.

David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear, but he's not our Supreme Planetary Overlord. He's just a tit in a cape. The only person who ever knelt before him was Claudia Schiffer.


2. Aliens allergic to our planet wouldn't bother invading
We're not going to defeat them by throwing buckets of water over them, sneezing on them or making them breathe the air. If they were at all vulnerable to our planet, they'd have gone right past and colonised the planet next door, because they've got proper fucking spaceships2.

They're not going to 'make do' and invade a planet that's poisonous just because they've bumped into it. Any alien race that bothers to invade Earth will be less susceptible to direct sunlight than unimag is. At least as long as they aren't invading in swimwear.

2They'd probably have invented spacesuits, antibiotics and antihistamines as well, for that matter... Or umbrellas.


3. Alien stormtroopers lack compassion
They're an invasion force of murderous beings hell-bent on raping our planet of its resources and simultaneously committing genocide, not Jesus.

We're not going to convince them to back off by proving that we're worthy of existence, and they're not going to conveniently include any dissenters in the fleet - that would be like us including members of PETA in our invasion of the Planet of the Apes. In fact, we aren't going to be able to talk our way out of things at all; why the fuck would they bother to learn our language when they can communicate using the universal language of shooting people in the face?


4. Aliens are competent marksmen
An alien invasion force will certainly have been drilled in how to shoot straight and are unlikely to set their blasters to 'miss' in order to play fair, even if they do outnumber us. To err is human; they're not. We're fucked.


5. Alien vehicles aren't designed by muppets
There's a good chance, therefore, that they won't totter about in things with large spindly legs, cavernous openings, or other obvious weak points; they're more likely to move around in big fucking tanks with lots of guns (and cameras that can see people trying to sneak aboard).

Similarly, flying a tiny plane into a gigantic alien mothership isn't going to blow anything up apart from the plane; they're unlikely to follow the same design principles as the Hindenberg, and will have invented things like 'bulkheads' and 'doors'.

On the off chance that the ship is constructed like a house of fucking cards, blowing that one ship up is just going to piss them off.


6. Rebellion
The plucky youngster who stands up to the alien overseer doesn't make a heroic escape and lead us all to freedom; they pull his arms off with their tentacles and throw him out of an airlock.


7. Anti-heroes
Putting the hopes of humanity on a recently divorced man without military training, who also has a drinking problem, for a desperate one-shot suicide mission, rarely works.

A lonely alcoholic with nothing to live for and nothing to lose isn't going to save the world; he's going wank himself unconscious whilst drinking himself to death.


8. Slipping under the radar
Dressing up as an alien to avoid detection isn't going to work - it was hard enough to escape from Colditz dressed as a Nazi, so what are the chances of passing yourself off as a limbless monster from Alpha Centauri? Unless you're disabled (you jammy bastard).


9. Hacking
We can't even properly connect Windows machines to Macs, so we'd never be able to hack into the alien mothership and reprogram their entire battlefleet.

Aliens would have firewalls that actually fucking work, and we'd never be able to guess their passwords because we don't know what slimy killing machines from beyond Mars call their pets - unless they use "Klaatu barada nikto"...


10. Whoops!
We've been broadcasting our films out into space for the last fifty years; they know all of our tricks already.

Basically, we're outclassed. The only way the people of Earth actually stand the slightest chance would be if the USA allied itself with the alien invaders.

Then the rest of us could just sit back and watch as the aliens were eliminated in intergalactic 'friendly fire' incidents...

QWP, Context is not a friendly little green man.
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