They have the most wretched nativity at the model home on the corner near my office. The, Most. Wretched.
Three awful little plywood cutouts, apparently painted with the finest exterior latex in a rainbow of colors ranging from yellow to white, propped feebly in the driveway.
We will start with the Baby Jeebus, who is a shapeless, larval white blob with a large round head/halo. Both head and halo are painted bright yellow, making one indistinguishable from the other and leaving passersby with the impression that the Messiah has a yellow beachball for a head. Or was possibly sired by the Wal Mart smiley face, explaining his total lack of limbs.
Joseph is the likely candidate for biological babydaddy, as his flowing locks have been painted the same yellow. He does appear to be a hunchback, though. His robes are painted a sullen beige, and his rudimentary face is deathly white. He is also toppling forward in possible homage to the Kwisatz Haderach Holy Infant. That, or he's passing out.
The Virgin Mary is a featureless white blob that closely resembles the Shmoo. I guess the white denotes virginity? Or maybe she's pale from all the thalidomide necessary to produce Happy Face Jesus over there.
There are no animals, stable or other trimmings. It appears that there was no room at the M&M Homes Model Inn, so the Virgin Shmoo was obliged to give birth in the cement driveway, attended by anole lizards and hapless roadkill. How ignominious. Bet that stable sounds pretty good right about now, huh?
I appreciate holiday decorations, whatever the faith. But DUDE, do you think you could make an effort to portray your holiday as a little less sordid, bleak and depressing? Maybe, y'know, give Joseph some fucking EYES? Clear the deceased possums from the edge of the driveway, perhaps? Distinguish Baby Jeebus's head from his halo so he doesn't look hydrocephalic? I'm just being picky, I know, but come on - you're motivated enough to put up a Nativity, horrifying as it might be, so why can't you expend the extra erg of effort to make it less baleful?
WHY DO YOU HATE CHRISTMAS, M&M HOMES?
QWP, Context wanted a Merry Christmas, not a Maury Christmas