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bukkake on an open fire...
shoes of doom, self-inflicted pain
supremegoddess1 wrote in metaquotes
crevette attempts to roast chestnuts:

Chestnuts are a Yankee ploy to take out as many southerners as possible. It's like those unexploded mines people find years after conflict is over. It doesn't matter that the fighting is over, someone is going to get fucked up in the extreme.

I got the unassuming looking nuts and did a little research on the internet about preparation. I went and threw a few on the grill a week or so ago while I was making some steak and reading. Hey, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire", right???

The Web told me that chestnuts are pretty much the first food that man may have hunted/gathered. And that it comes in a near inpenetrable cone with spikes. And a near inpenetrable shell. And that if you eat it undercooked it gives you "Intestinal Distress". Upon reflection, that's nature's way of telling you NOT to eat something, short of painting it poison frog red.

I heard a tiny little "pop" out on the grill and ran out to find my chestnuts had popped and split their shells! How cute!

The flavor? Not so great. Sort of like a potato, nothing like a nut. In fact, my research found that most chestnut recipes revolve around making the noble chestnut taste as far from a chestnut as humanly possible.

So today, being make-a-turkey-since-we-didn't-get-leftovers dinner day, I decided to just cook up the rest of the chestnuts and do... something... anything with them. I hate wasting stuff. So I tossed them on a baking stone and threw them in the oven while I got the turkey ready.

Okay, I did see the warning about how some of them might explode, but I was thinking like they did on the grill, which is what I wanted.

I did not expect them to go off like fucking M-80s.

The first one went in the oven and scared the cats so badly that they were gone for almost an hour.

I pulled them out and let them cool, then began cutting small holes to get them started on shelling. Some hissed. Another blew up on me. Literally blew up on me. And covered my face and hair with a spongy, moist white substance. It's like a Vegan Japanese pervert's wet dream.


QWP, Context is gooey and sticky, but can't get you pregnant.


This is gonna get deleted in a minute, I bet. Wayyyyy too long.

We don't delete for length. We delete for a big huge pointless setup.
Not seeing a huge setup here.

Ok, being a damn Yankee who has toasted her share of chestnuts (and toasted more than a few nuts in passing) I found that seriously f'ing funny.

Same here

Every year for Thanksgiving, my mom would make her chestnut stuffing recipe. Ther worst part of it, she said, was cooking those fucking nuts--she needed enough to feed about 60 people, since we'd all go for like 5th helpings. Never had to buy them, though, because there was a giant chestnut tree in the backyard. New pets learned quickly to not step on the spiky balls, & school chums learned never to play outside with me at my house in the fall. ("Hey, Matt!" "Wha--AIEEE!!!!")

And this, chillun, is why you go to the nice handy-dandy Asian supermarket and get your chestnuts not only precooked, but shelled, in a bag, and sweetened. Mmmnummy.

Asian ingenuity wins again!

Awww I love chestnuts. But you do need to peirce them before you throw them in the oven.

And now I'm really wishing I'd gotten that chestnut mousse recipe from my French teacher before he retired....

That was laugh-out-loud funny!

The Chestnut Instruction Manual says that one should make an "X"-shaped cut on the nut before roasting it. Then you won't have to deal with finding cats or chestnut bits stuck to the ceiling.

Chestnuts exploding on an open fire...

Chestnuts exploding on an open fire
Shrapnal tearing at your nose
Yuletide carols being sung in a fire
And folks calling up their HMOs
Everybody knows, a turkey burnt up like charcoal
Helps to make the season bite
Tiny tots, with their eyes all a-glow
Will scream their heads off tonight

They know that Santa's on his way
To break into their houses with his sleigh
And every mother's child is gonna cry
Because their parents couldn't find a PS3 to buy

And so, I'm offering this simple phrase
To idiots from one to ninety two
Although it's been said, meta times, meta ways
"Merry Chris- fuck, it's on fire!"
"Oh my god, it's on fire!"
"Hey, fuck you!" to you...

Haha, that was great!

That is hilarious, hahaha. I laughed out loud at it

I love your icon.

That is all.

Isn't bukkake related to peeing, not...you know...

*snerkles* When you roast chestnuts, you have to cut an X in the skin. Otherwise, yes, they do explode in a manner that has been known to distress small children and house pets.

Oh gods. If I laugh any harder, something will rupture. *wheezes*

...

I thinks something in me already did...
This qoute needs a safety warning.

I tried them once, to see what the fuss was all about. I thought they kinda taste like pumpkin, not potato. I wouldn't bother again..

It's nice to know I'm not the only person who exploded chestnuts this year

My grandpa used to roast them every year. THey were quite good, but then he had lots of recipes from Italy to make with them.

You can also get chestnuts in Italian groceries and delis.

I think I hurt myself laughing at this entry though.

I got some from a street vendor once. They were okay, but nothing to write a song about. :P