Diana (contradictacat) wrote in metaquotes,

scintilla72 updates the Revelation for us modern-type folks...

TRUMPETY VOICE: Hey John, want to get a sneak preview of the future apocalypse?

JOHN: Eh, why the hell not? It's not like I have anything better to do, confined to this island in the middle of nowhere -- WHOA where did that huge throne come from? And, um... that's 24 elders on 24 other thrones, and I'm not quite sure what those seven lamps are for...

[At this point the four living creatures appear. They've got six wings each, and their faces are of a lion, an ox, a man, and an eagle respectively -- remember how each one represents one of the Evangelists? -- but more arrestingly, they're covered with eyes. All over.]

JOHN: Holy crap, that's just freaky.

[And day and night, they don't shut up.]

4 LIVING CREATURES: Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come!

[And whenever they give glory, honor, etc. to God on the throne (which, as mentioned before, is all the time), the 24 elders follow suit and fall down before the throne in worship.]

JOHN: So, why couldn't you just have said that the elders don't shut up either?

[But enough of that, as a scroll now appears in the hand of the one seated on the big ol' throne.]

MIGHTY ANGEL: Step right up! Break the seven seals to open the scroll, and win fabulous prizes!

[However, this is the Apocalypse, not a gameshow. Therefore, no one in the whole world is able to open the seals or even look inside the scroll.]

JOHN: What the hell is this crap? What's the point of having a scroll full of writing if no one can read the darn thing? This apocalypse sucks. WAAAAAAAAHHHH.

ELDER: Hey, stop your cryin' and dry off your endless tears. Don't you know you've got the key? Well, okay, actually you don't, but that mortally wounded Lamb over there does.

JOHN: AAAAHHHH IT'S THAT MONSTER FROM MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL -- oh wait. It's just a lamb, but with seven horns and seven eyes? Okay, someone up here sure has an affinity for the number seven, but I'm beginning to feel like I'm stuck in a bad Picasso.

[The Lamb takes the scroll from the one seated on the throne. At this point, the elders and living creatures fall down in worship again and start singing a New Song. Why the fact that the song is new is significant, I don't know.]

4 LIVING CREATURES AND ELDERS: You are worthy to take the scroll and to open its seals, because... [etc.]

JOHN: He hasn't even opened the darn thing yet!... Oh man. 10,000 times 10,000 (that's 100,000,000 for the non-mathematical among you) angels just surrounded the place. Please don't smite me? I don't have any illegal drugs, I swear!

ANGELS: Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and --


ANGELS: -- and glory and praise!

JOHN: And my axe! Not like those first four would matter anyway, given that this is the end of the world here...

EVERY CREATURE IN HEAVEN AND EARTH, UNDER THE EARTH, AND ON [SIC] THE SEA: To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise and honor and glory and power, for ever and ever!

JOHN: Okay, it's official. There is no free will. Can I get an "Amen"?


QWP and all that fun stuff.
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