in the time it took me to gather the cavalcade of soups, i was subjected to the last few eardrum-stabbing bars of an unbelievably high-pitched version of "jingle bell rock" featuring a female vocalist so reedy and atonal she made jewel sound like maria fucking callas, some asshole that sounded like bing crosby foofing on mellowly about the world turning into a marshmallow at christmas (i fully plan to google in order to prove i didn't hallucinate this one), and the ground-glass icing on the poopcake, a GUY (who sounded suspiciously like bryan adams) singing a country-rock version of my most-loathed holiday song of all, "santa baby".
my thoughts on the matter were as follows:
"did he say bean with bacon or ham with beanKILL YOU KILL YOU EAT YOUR HEAD KILL YOUhmm i wonder if the store brand vegetarian vegetable is anySTRANGLE YOU WITH YOUR OWN SOCKS AND FEED YOUR BODY TO THE CROWSgood, or how about this hearty tomatoKILL YOUR MOM FOR BRINGING YOU INTO THIS WORLD AND BURN HER CORPSE ON A PILE OF THE ROYALTY MONEY THE PERSON WHO WROTE THIS PIECE OF SHIT EARNED BEFORE I KILLED THEM KILLED THEM AND ATE THEIR HEADoh poop, is the chunky sirloin burger the only one that's three forTAN YOUR HIDE WITH YOUR OWN BRAINS AND MAKE YOUR SKIN INTO A JAUNTY SANTA HATa dollar? italian wedding soup? oh never mind it hasDAMN, I CAN'T TAN YOUR HIDE WITH YOUR OWN BRAINS BECAUSE I ATE YOUR HEAD WHEN I KILLED YOU KILLED YOU KILLED YOUmeatballs, yucka. reduced fat clam chowder? noBABY SEALS KNOW NOTHING OF THE KIND OF CLUBBING YOU SHALL RECIEVE WHEN OUR PATHS FINALLY CROSS, STORE RADIO PROGRAMMERthanks. oh good, cream of mushroom.