Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious pizza delivered by the nearest Domino's, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that the oven is broken.
Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to change out of your pajamas so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Stain-stick the baby puke on your shirt, brush the peanut butter out of your hair, and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people who actually showered and brushed their teeth today.
Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. Relating the tale of The Great Vegetable Aisle Temper Tantrum Of Wednesday Morning should do the trick.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house to make sure there is at least a narrow walkway between the mountains of dirty laundry and preschool toys just before your husband arrives.
Gather up the unpaid bills and then run a dustcloth over the tables.
Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction, as will upending his cozy chair and tossing his ungrateful arse into the flames.
Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to yank the paring knives out of their hands (if they are small), cut the gum out of their hair and, if necessary, change them out of their pajamas. They are little miscreants and he would like to believe otherwise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum, which won't be difficult as you haven't run any of them in weeks. Try to encourage the children to stop shoving popsicle sticks up their noses.
Be happy to see him. Especially if he's bearing chocolate.
Greet him with a screaming infant and show sincerity in your desire for him to MAKE IT STOP.
Listen to him. You may be on the brink of a psychotic break, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation probably don't include poop.
Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. The divorce petition will speak more eloquently than any words you can come up with.
Your goal: Try to make sure your bathroom is a place with a deadbolt on the door where you and your husband can hide from your children.
Don't greet him with complaints and problems. The sight of your preschooler gleefully running naked through the house holding the cat by its hind legs will tell him everything he needs to know.
Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to the amount he'll have to shell out to replace all the suit jackets your children cut the arms off of and used as painting smocks.
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for when he notices the spaghetti stuck to the ceiling.
Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice so that he will remain calm when you inform him that your son has Krazy-Glued himself to the pet gerbil.
Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, your children will exercise their wills with alarming regularity. You have no time to fight with your husband while running zone defense.
A good wife always knows her place. And has Poison Control on speed dial.