NORFOLK SOUTHERN OPERATIONS BULLETIN NO. 0-1
Procedures regarding “Damsel in Distress Tied Up On Railroad Tracks” have been changed to the following.
When tying a damsel up and placing her on the railroad tracks, all operators of railroad equipment must now secure permission from the dispatcher’s office before attempting to do so. The conductor will radio between the engineer and the dispatch desk to ensure that all preparations have been made such as
A) Making sure that the engineer’s moustache is properly curled.
B) Ensuring that all ropes have been properly tied according to the “Damsel In Distress Rope Tying Methods” handbook.
C) Making sure that no revenue freight or passenger traffic is coupled to the consist
D) Properly double checking that no do-gooder heroes are in the area to hear said damsel’s screams for help.
E) Making sure that said action does not occur on mainline or on any industrial siding that is due to receive cars within 48 hours.
F) Making sure that proper piano music is playing background.
After these checks have been accomplished, the conductor may then signal the engineer to begin the operation. The engineer must lean out the side of the window and maintain proper sneering grin on his/her face. The type of engine used in this operation doesn’t matter, however, if diesel is used, the T&E crew must be sure that the engines Dynamic Brakes are off. Conrail Units have a special “Damsel In Distress” button that ensures all proper settings are automatically set.
If in the event that a do-gooder hero (such as Dudley Do Right) passes by and saves the damsel, the crew is to then attempt to escape from the hero. They will then be required to fill out an incident report on paper and hand it to the CYO upon return to the yard of origin.