There is a simple test you can try to find out if you’re fit or not: if you can touch your toes, you’re probably in shape. If firemen are cutting the side of your house away to take you to hospital, and Jerry Springer wants to talk to you about appearing on his show, you’re probably out of shape.
If you're in the latter category, then don’t worry, help is at hand! By following the simple steps described in this article, you too can become fit. You may also become neurotic, annoying and totally obsessed with health and fitness, but that’s not my problem.
There are three ways to achieve fitness. First is with exercise, second is through healthy eating, and the third is by selling your soul to the devil in exchange for eternal health. I wouldn’t recommend the third way, though, as there is usually a catch.
The best way to at least pretend you are getting exercise is to join a gym. What can be better than the joy of working out? Or the joy of having to change in front of people you don’t know and who are probably fitter than you will ever be? Or the joy of injuring yourself on equipment you’re too embarrassed to admit you don’t know how to use?
The gym is a place you go to remind yourself how out of shape you are. The up-side is, if you spend 20 minutes or so at the gym, it means you can have that double cheeseburger on the way home. No, really, that’s how it works.
You can avoid the exuberant fees gyms charge by simply spending thousands of pounds on your own exercise equipment.
If, however, you don’t wish to move your bed and all your personal belongings into one small corner of your student accommodation to make room for your third treadmill, there are other ways you can get fit without the use of gym equipment.
If you live off-campus, why not walk to university? If you already walk to class, why not RUN to class?
If you are unfortunate enough to live on-campus, then the only way to get fit is to start sleeping with someone who lives somewhere else, and walk to class from their place.
If you are getting plenty of exercise but are still not feeling fit enough, then you’re probably not eating right.
If, like the average university student, you eat Pot Noodles more than twice a day, you might want to consider changing this. Pirates are cool, but scurvy is actually one of the bad parts of that lifestyle, and something which should be avoided.
Many people confuse getting fit with getting thin. These are, in fact two completely different things. Getting thin means avoiding all the fun food until your body starts eating itself out of boredom. Getting fit means eating enough vitamins that your body has to spend all its time processing them, and has no time for growing tumours.
The best way to get the right amount of vitamins is to eat the right quantities of fruit and vegetables, served in the right way.
Never prepare vegetables in any way. The moment you cut a carrot, the vitamins start leaking out, and before you know it, you’ve got an empty carrot and a pile of vitamins on the floor.
Fruit and vegetables should be eaten whole, raw and unwashed for the full benefits. The same is not true when it comes to eating animals, which should at least be washed before consumption.
To get the most out of fruit and vegetables, you must eat as many of them as humanly possible. It is a fact that nobody has ever died eating a tomato or turnip, and so if you spend your entire life eating these foods, you will be immortal. This is what we fitness experts call “simple logic”.
And so, with the right balance of good nutrition and the right amount of exercise, you too can become bored, jaded, tired and discontented! Oh, and also fit. Maybe.