No Alcohol Lager (natgel) wrote in metaquotes,
No Alcohol Lager
natgel
metaquotes

alliancesjr writes hilarious recaps for the Star Wars EU novels.

Here are a few snippets:





INTERIOR - SHUTTLE BAY, STAR DESTROYER CHIMAERA

LUKE: Shuttle 37 is landed.

CONTROL: Roger, Shuttle 37. Please stay put until unloading is complete. Also, there is a Hammond Cheese on Line Five, and a John Mayo on Line Six.

MARA: Copy, Control, give us the Hammond Cheese on Five, hold the Mayo.

(READERS: *groan*)

LUKE: Okay, we have a couple hours before they're done unloading. Plenty of time.

He cuts a hole in the bottom of the shuttle with his lightsaber, and hauls it out of the way. He goes on to cut another hole in the deck, to the level underneath. They make their way to the TIE pilot ready rooms to gather disguises. Luke heads in and pulls a few flight suits from an occupied room.

LUKE: Don't mind me, I'm just a little black rain cloud.

PILOT 1: Hey, Bob, why is there a little black rain cloud in here?

PILOT 2: I don't know, but it seems to be leaving now.




*snip*




INTERIOR - BRIDGE, STAR DESTROYER CHIMAERA

THRAWN: Captain, you're staring at me again.

PELLAEON: What? Am not.

THRAWN: Look, I know that white isn't very slimming, but I think it sets off the tone of my skin. Don't you agree?

PELLAEON: Of course, sir. You're looking dashing as always.

(SLASHFIC WRITERS: Aha! Told you it was canon!)

THRAWN: You're wondering why we haven't made the attack order.

PELLAEON: Actually, I was wondering what we just had for lunch; my stomach's killing me. But now that you mention it...

THRAWN: The military forces are ready, but my observers in the city aren't. When we find Karrde's base empty, we'll find his agents making quick transmissions. This will lead us to Karrde.

PELLAEON: Well, if that's the case, why are we attacking Karrde's base at all?

THRAWN: Because I've always wanted to say "Dance, puppets, dance". We're ready on my end. Order the attack.

PELLAEON: *making a transmission* Tora! Tora! Tora! You may proceed when ready.

THRAWN: *conspicuously makes his own transmission at the same time*





*snip*





EXTERIOR - LANDING PIT 21, ABREGADO-RAE SPACEPORT

WEDGE: Hello there, wink wink!

MARA: Morning! Are you selling?

WEDGE: Well, my unknown friend, I might be. Come inside and we'll talk, if you know what I mean. I think you do.

They go inside the ship.

MARA: You Rebels are the worst spies ever.

WEDGE: Hey, now, I was having fun. Anyway, here's Torve's ship, out of impound. Han wanted me to ask you if your people might be interested in selling information on our friend with the eyes.

MARA: ...you're kidding.

WEDGE: No, that's what it says right here. "Friend with the eyes."

MARA: Worst spies ever.

WEDGE: Hey, we manage. Have a good trip.




*snip*




INTERIOR - BRIDGE, STAR DESTROYER CHIMAERA

THRAWN: ...back to business, everyone.

PELLAEON: Sir?

THRAWN: We lost a round, Captain, no more. We can't expect our plans to stop because of one setback. We continue. Meanwhile, we gather the Dark Force through our secondary option.

PELLAEON: What's that, sir?

THRAWN: Song and dance.




*snip*




LEIA: I'm going!

HAN: No, you're not!

LEIA: I'm going!

HAN: No, you're not!

LEIA: I'm going!

HAN: Okay, but take the Falcon. And take Chewie. And bring me back something to eat, I'm starving.




Read the whole thing. roguereport for the win! And yes I'm totally pimpin' this community.
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