ems (ems) wrote in metaquotes,

thenorthernline brings the funny yet again.

If you don't watch Neighbours, this will mean very little to you. But I'm putting it here anyway. It's a critique of all the characters, in no particular order.

Bit of a pathetic singleton at the moment. I'm fed up of all those shots of Susan with Karl lurking in the background looking doe-eyed; but that only serves to illustrate why they should be back together. He's being too nice, too. In recent weeks we've seen a few miniscule traces of grumpy-Karl-with-philanthropic-Susan-to-balance-him-out, which works so well. A reconciliation is a necessity.

Now she's got rid of the wretched genetically modified Kinski mob, her house is empty and her mattress still contains an inexorable Lurve Doctor-shaped groove. I proclaim a new era of Pre-Kinskite romanticism. And quick, before she starts letting beggars live with her.

Should have renewed his insurance. Lou as a scheming publican was as joyful to watch as the leap of a slippery salmon in spring; Lou as a hopeless inadequate troglodyte doesn't do it for me. Still mildly funny, but now looks like a sausage that has been cooked too long. He's a rightful Neighbours legend, though. See also: Harold.

The worst thing that ever happened to Harold was when Anne Charleston decided she wanted out. Cue a biodegradable Madge, the start of all this psycho Harold crap, and a mediocre partnership with Lou. A classic character, no doubt, but a shadow of his former self. See also: Lou.

A link to the olden days.He reminds me of Billy, Anne, Lance, Amy, etc, and is thus worth preserving. He has two acts in his repertoire: fat, ungainly slob and adrenaline-charged, kickass lawyer. A multi-dimensional actor in Neighbours! Now there’s a novelty.

He can't pronounce things properly ("I don't curr", "Muddy", etc), but he bounces off the other House of Trousers members well, especially Toadie ("Toadie doesn't like beetroot!"), and any mention of The Shamrock is guaranteed to be accompanied by the Irish tin whistle music. Which still amuses me.

When he isn't being Stuart "Knacker of the Yard" Knacker, Sole Member of the Erinsborough Heroic Plod Service, Stuart is alright. He's not much good on his own, but he is vital to the cosmic balance of the noble House of Trouser.

A vacous cow who more often infuriates than pleases me, but she's a good character when she's on form. She's quite handy for comedy value too - a fact which I think is constantly unrecognised; everyone expects Izzy to provide sensationalism, but she can be quite funny with it. Just a shame her band are so dreadful.

Like most of the Timminses, she was as annoying as hell when she first joined. But unlike the rest of them, she's improved dramatically and is now quite possibly one of the best characters. She's got a cracking delivery ("You'd eat all the bloody olives!"). Petulant, irrepressible and delightfully crafty; and she's married to Joe "Whizz" Scully in real life. I bet they have spawned many little hoons.

Could have been a miniature Janelle, but unfortunately they've toned her down into this kind of feeble, neurotic slag. She's a herpes factory, but she just wanna be loved, folks. Such emotional frippery seems to have been intensified during her relationship with Boyd, so I'm going to blame him because he's a tuss (more on that later). I like Janae though, especially when she gets lairy.

Proud, doting, I-hug-my-children Max is irritating. Anxious, "How's she doing, Karl?" Max is no good either. I prefer the sarcastic, edgy Max from days of yore, before the writers sent him to anger management classes and ripped the soul out of the poor man. Nowadays, he's nought but a shell.

Is little more than a rag doll at the moment. She was always the least interesting Scully sister, and her quasi-butch appeal went out the window the moment she started salivating over Drew. Max redeemed her, and they are a good couple – but as previously mentioned, they’re either insufferably smug (“We’re going to have our baby!”) or more miserable than a coach party of Germans. Just make them normal. They do good normal.

One of the worst Neighbours characters of recent years. The guy's brain must resemble a sperm in a goldfish bowl, banging its head against the edge. He's so wooden you could varnish him, if 8 hours in make-up hadn't already done the job. Isn't that hair precious? He serves no purpose, his storylines are weak and go nowhere, and he sings like a whale. In the words of Charles Montgomery Burns: "Eesh. Dispose of it."

Hyperactive idiot with the mentality of a three-year-old and the personality of the little plastic thing that Kinder Surprise toys come in. The Stingray patois ("Belgium!") was quite good for a while but he doesn’t seem to use it anymore; he just concentrates on being a prat. Come on, you all know you’d like to grab his head and batter it against a wall, if only to get him to CALM DOWN. You don’t get hyperactive pulp.

Zzzzzz...hmm?...what? Boyd? Who? Oh, yes. He wins the prize for most sycophantic line of the year, when he was working for Karl: “Aw, gee, thanks Doctor Karl!” Now seems to punctuate every sentence with the word “bloody”, and is dragging Janae down into his earnest student world. Was out-acted by an inanimate brain tumour, and is continuously disappointing.

Ah, the endless Summer. They sent her to Fiji, a place overrun by tropical diseases and cannibalism, and she still made it back alive. She is the proverbial boomerang of the Neighbours cast.

She annoys me with her high vocal register and sporadic, contrived Catholicism; but she’s part of the furniture now, and I think I’d miss her if she wasn’t around to annoy me. However, she needs Joe Mangel to keep her in check and give her life structure. He was a good antidote to her hysteria.

If you want an example of how to do a really bad teen character, see Rachel. A whiny, self-absorbed show-off who is even more insufferable than her dimwit of a brother and her perpetually constipated dead father. Incidentally, that faulty sandwich toaster wins my Neighbours Character Of The Year Award.




K needs us.

A random tidbit of trivia: Katya’s face has been known to pick up electronic signals from other galaxies. Unfortunately her acting is firmly rooted in the mundane realm of earthliness. She can do two expressions: whiny and whiny. This whole family has been a colossal waste of time, and has done nothing but impede the Karl and Susan reunion.

Elle isn’t real. She is merely a mannequin that resembles Nicole Kidman. They found her in a skip.

Currently the victim of a particularly debilitating form of schizophrenia, which causes his personality to oscillate between that of a Howard Hughes-style neurotic, and that of a rather camp comic book villain. Paul was best when he was utterly heartless, and the writers screwed it up between giving him emotions. He’s too dependent on Elle and Izzy. He's lost his mojo.

A sanctimonious soapbox troll, just like her mother. I like Sky – she’s a deviation from the usual teen airheads that seem to populate Erinsborough – but she’s self-righteous in the extreme, her hair makes her look like an extra from Dallas, and she insists on pulling faces that make her look like a dyke. On the subject of that, her “faux-lesbian” storyline with the cripplingly irritating Lana was one of Neighbours’ worst storylines. It even made Sonia from Eastenders look convincing.

Dylan’s alright, but he’s becoming more and more like Stingray in each episode, which is potentially unbearable. Has an annoying habit of saying “me” instead of “my”, which sounds ridiculous in the mouth of an Australian. His relationship with Sky looked good to start with, but sadly seems to be going round in circles.

Demented adolescent. Spends more time manipulating her friends than actually being friends with them. Thinks Jane Austen is great literature. Shrill, cracked voice. Possibly has a LiveJournal.

The nearest thing Neighbours has to a socialist. Bleats about being exploited, retains an enforced aura of humbleness, and is slightly crooked underneath it all. Thankfully, Janelle is devious enough for the two of them, so they work quite well together. She saves him from being quite boring.

Or as Lyn calls him, “little man”. This is quite correct; he is literally an adult of stunted growth. Bears an increasing resemblance to Harry Earles of Freaks fame. His only function is to act as an obstacle for the rest of the cast to negotiate. I can't wait until he starts terrorising Lyn.

They’re still cleaning the goo off him. Judgement is reserved for now.

(thenorthernline | whole post | QWP)

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