nitessine also has a lot to say (choice picks due length)
The text below may offend you religious, national, political or sexual sensibilities, and should not be read by people under 18, pregnant women or people on psych medication. Or probably anyone else, but what the hell.
Cyprus: Their artist used to be a background singer for Britney Spears. Apparently she got fired for shadowing Britney. Physically.
Estonia: Sandra - Through My Window. It's a Molotov cocktail if you don't shut up. However, Estonians proved that they still know what good music is when they gave twelve points to Lordi. Thank you, Estonia!
Greece: A little glurge of a songlet from Anna Vissi, the Greek Cher. The only performer with more makeup and plastic in her face than Lordi. I've seen farts with more flame than her pyrotechnics. Bonus points for voting Lordi, though. Thank you, Greece!
Israel: Am I the only one who thinks it's immensely corny that Israel, of all countries, participates with a song called "Together We Are One"?
Latvia: A cappella singing. Interesting idea, didn't work in practice. The band, in their white polyesters, looked like a Leisure Suit Larry lookalike convention, and the stick figure they had as a prop was the best singer of the lot.
Moldova: At least we have no fear of this O-zone song being repeated ad nauseam in every radio over the summer.
Monaco: A tasteless, odourless and colourless performance that fades into the grey mass of nondescript Eurovision performances. Well, more like white, gold and beige mass, this year. I hear there are nude pics of their singer online, though. Also, for some reason Monaco gave Finland no points. Monaco can burn.
Norway: Not a bad song, actually. "Elf Dance", it was called. Funny. I didn't think the fey went for eurodance. And you thought D&D took the magic out of elves... Norway, as befits one of the foremost heavy metal nations in the world, gave Lordi twelve points. Thank you, Norway!
Russia: A fucking mullet? In 2006? I know Russians have a thing for their glorious past, but please...
Slovenia: And another weirdo haircut. Holy shit, man, did he stick a fork in the light socket or something? I know it's a poor country, but you'd think they could afford shampoo.
Spain: Last year, their performer ripped off Las Ketchup. This year, their performer was Las Ketchup. You'd think they'd learned the first time around.
Turkey: A "süper star" she is not. As a general thing, when you've just given birth and look like it, it's a good idea to dress in something larger than a napkin.
United Kingdom: Heeheehee... A middle-aged white guy, surrounded by little girls dressed up in schoolgirl outfits. I'll let you make your own conclusions. Quite Nabokovian. And when their spokesperson announced the twelve votes for Finland, she threw up the horns. Thank you, United Kingdom!
FINLAND: Leave it to us to send a heavy metal band to a europop contest and not only win but break all records. Twelve points from eight different countries, highest points ever, more points we've had in the last 50 years combined. As the presenters said, Lordi came, saw, torched the stage, and left the next singer to smell the brimstone. This is a good time to be Finnish.
I am now waiting for the public outcry of righteous indignation and religiously-fuelled fury at their victory, which was obviously due to the machinations of dark powers. If it never comes, I'll lose the last bit of respect I had for those wackos.