F. Oh no! Mr. Drew has gone missing! He’s…1. being held for ransom
2. stuffed in a secret tunnel somewhere
3. drugged and tied up in one of those hotels where they steal your kidneys
4. back at the hotel and totally fine, dumbass
G. If 4), are you sure he’s back at the hotel, Nancy? This telegram says he wants to meet you in the middle of nowhere, by yourself—oh, and bring the [Adjective] [Noun].1. Duh, it’s a fake telegram from the villain(s), dumbass.
2. OH NOES! DADDY!
Note: Whether Nancy falls for the telegram this time is completely independent of whether she fell for the fake telegram in previous books.
The whole thing is comedy gold, but it doesn’t matter if you read it or not because “...Ned is not getting laid, regardless. Woe.”