Yes, I Have One (supremegoddess1) wrote in metaquotes,
Yes, I Have One

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sockschan has a suggestion for all the crappy customers out there:

Public Service Announcement for the week of 3/12/06
Hello boys and girls out there in Internet-land (also known as the planet Earth)! Your friends at C.A.P.S. (Coalition Against Public Stupidity) have been very busy lately, but we have never forgotten our sworn duty, as summarized in our Mission Statement:

We at C.A.P.S. strive to encourage the public to think with their higher brain functions, indeed, to think in the first place. We will be straightforward and blunt, for though the truth may hurt, it is less painful than the previously proposed reality enema.

Okay so we at C.A.P.S. suck at writing mission statements, but let's face it: mission statements are an idiotic waste of time. Which is why ours is so short. We realized we were wasting valuable time on writing this stupid thing when we could've been educating the public and reducing stupidity everywhere!

And after all, it's not like anyone reads Mission Statements anyway.
Or, for that matter, anything else, which is the subject of today's PSA! So let's get right down to it.

We know that there are unfortunates in the world who are illiterate. However, most developed countries have excellent educational systems, or at least passable ones. The literacy rate in the U.S.A. is 97%, in the U.K. and most of Europe, it's 99%, etc. Therefore, the vast majority of consumers (that's you, Mr./Mrs./Ms. John/Jane Q. Public) know how to read.

However, we seem to run into a problem where people who know how to read simply choose not to do so. They are perfectly able to read highly visible and legibly written signs in their own language, but simply choose not to and instead berate their co-humans about policies and rules they have no knowledge of (but would have, if they had read the clearly posted signs). We at C.A.P.S. have named this widespread phenomenon "Voluntary Illiteracy." No official studies have been done, but we of the Coalition believe that close to 95% of consumers suffer from V.I.

There is, however, hope. Although, depending on the situation, V.I. may be fatal, it is not contagious in the traditional sense (though it may be passed down from parent to child). There is, most importantly, a cure, and one that costs nothing more than time and discipline to implement.

So if you are a consumer suffering from V.I., this is all you have to do:

1) Find the signs
2) Understand the words
3) Comprehend the individual words
4) Know what the sign means now!

If you can remember the acronymn F.U.C.K. (and we think most of you can...), and take the 30 seconds or so necessary to go through the steps, you'll find your shopping, and indeed many other life experiences, will suddenly become easier. They may not result in you getting your way more often, but you'll find that you spend less time yelling at the supposedly incompetent employees if you've read the sign explaining the business's rules and regulations.

  • Once you start FUCKing, you'll realize that it isn't that poor Service Desk girl's decision to refuse to take back the camera you bought last November, because you'll see, read, and understand the sign that says "Camera returns: 30 days with valid receipt."
  • You'll know where the restrooms are, because you'll be able to read the large sign that says "Restrooms" and points the way. For that matter, you'll also know where Fabrics & Crafts is, Photo Lab, and the like, because you remembered to FUCK.
  • You'll be able to fill out your own photo envelopes again, once you read and understand the boxes that read "Doubles" and "Singles" on them, as well as the large table that tells you when your photos will be back. No more cranky calls to the photo lab demanding your photos! No, not for you, because you will know exactly when to pick them up! All thanks to the wonders of FUCKing!
  • You'll begin to comprehend the difference between "Full Screen" and "Widescreen" DVDs, and be aghast at why exactly this video game has an "M" rating and what that means exactly. FUCK and it's easy!
  • You'll no longer have to cuss out the hapless employee about the soda machine eating your money because you'll be able to read the sign that says "Out of Order." See what happens you start FUCKing?

    In short, all of life will suddenly become easier to navigate, like a DVD menu, all because you stopped and READ. You'll be amazed at what you can learn and the things you can do when you start reading and understanding the helpful signs posted for you everywhere.

    Now go forth, O Children of the LillimHumanity, and remember to FUCK!!

    We here at C.A.P.S. thank you for your time and patience.
    Assuming you even read this.
    Who are we kidding? You probably didn't.

    All emphases are the original poster's. From customers_suck, QWP. The post, in its entirety, can be found here. Check out the comments, there are some real gems.
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