caitlindotcom 's A To Z of retail hell.
The A to Z's of retailing.
a) "Do you work here?" is not really an appropriate question to be asking a person donning a shirt which has the very store you are shopping in right now logo *all* over it. They are not for sale!!! The public CANNOT buy them. I know you don't understand "NO", but that means YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!!
b) When you ask when another shipment of "that thing" (oh, that one?! *shakes head*) is coming in, expect to be met with a response along the lines of "Well, I don't know that particular thing is coming in, but we have these other things which sort of look like that thing. We also have those other things in a variety of colors. We also could hold one of that thing when they come in and give you a ring a ding ding when they come in."
c) Some credit cards now have the extra feature that requires you to tell the cashier your zip code to "confirm" it's really your card. Do not fight this extra measure of "security". Trust me, the cashiers don't like to ask but they need to in order to complete the transaction (different from the marketing zipcode question, which you can say 12345 and it wouldn't be a problem)....Or, you can use a card other than American Express (which is the biggest offender)...But, AGAIN, this is a security measure for YOU the CARDHOLDERS protection. Do not act like everyone around you are potential stalkers who will only have your ZIP CODE to find you. They'd only have to weed through 10,000 *other* people who reside in the same zip code as do you.
d) Do not ask to have the sensors removed on the clothing you want to "try on" in the dressing room. The sensors are generally placed on the garments in areas that would not be uncomfortable or alter the way you try something on, so don't try to use that as an excuse. You might as well just ask for help carrying out the things you are attempting to steal.
e) Phone orders are the worst. Know what you are ordering before calling, people. I've heard a few gems but my favorites: 1. "Do you sell shoes by the pair or indivdually? I lost my left shoe and need to get a replacement, and since I only need one I don't feel I should have to purchase two." 2. "I was in the other day and I want the purple top." Me: "Which top?" Them: "The purple one" Me: "Which purple top? We have a few." Them: "It was a medium purple color" Me: *jumps off building* 3. I've seen this posted before (which *killed* me because I cannot believe there is more than one person who has ASKED this) "Does this hoodie sweatshirt come with a hood and strings? Is it made out of the normal sweatshirt material? Do you know it's flammable?" WHAT! You don't sound so smart, owning a hoodie sweatshirt might not be such a good idea! You might get the "holes" confused and lodge your head in there and die!
f) Paying tax on an item is not an option, like, say, paper or plastic. The store is required by law to collect tax on certain items, there is no getting around it. How people come to the conclusion that the cashier is somehow pocketing the money is beyond me. Yeah, like they stand there on their feet eight hours a day to collect your $1.43 tax.
g) Generally, $50 bills are checked to see if they are real. Sometimes, $20 bills too. Do not say any of the following: "I just printed them up this morning!" "Those are the best you've seen, right?" "Look, I even got the watermark dead on!" "Do I look like someone who would counterfeit?"...It does not make anyone laugh or smile. One day, the Secret Service will be called. You will shit your pants and then retract everything you just said and freak out. Then I will laugh.
h) Do not rip the ticket off of items. When you go to front desk they will take roughly a day and half to get you a price, which will probably be higher than the price on the ticket you just ripped off. It's especially wonderful when said people go ballistic and proceed to admit they ripped off the tag and they want that price! Nice try.
i) Do not complain about the music. Just don't. There isn't anything anyone who doesn't have an office and is required to wear a name tag can do about it.
j) Coupons have expiration dates, just like milk, people. I admit, they can be kind of hard to spot but they are there. When you are told the coupon is expired, do not throw a shit fit. If you do, we'll take your information down like we are making sure you are on the mailing list for the next coupon and actually proceed to remove you so you never get them anymore.
k) Store hours are posted for a reason, not for decorative purposes. The store closes at 9:30pm. How customers get it in their heads that since they MIGHT spend some money in a particular store, they can waddle on in at 9:25 proceed to spend half an hour "browsing" (i.e.: messing up EVERYTHING that was just folded, vacuumed and cleaned) and leave with nothing is okay...What the fuck people?
l) Whether you realize it or not, by purchasing something you are agreeing to the company's return policy. If you do not agree with the return policy which is POSTED, do not buy anything. That simple. Do not think that you can get around it. You are not special or a unique case. The manager will tell you exactly the same thing. Writing to the company to complain will not get you anything other than a "Hi! Thanks so much for writing. We value your opinion....This letter has been forwarded to my asshole." No, they will not give you a "free" gift certificate "if they know what's good for them."
m) Do not think because you know someone who happens to be working at a store in which you are buying something at, thatyou are entitled to anything other than a forced smile. ESPECIALLY the discount. You will get a death glare and possible "forgotten" sensors will be left on your purchases. Die.
n) If you are going to spend the time and energy complaining about your terrible experience in the store, please don't let it fall on deaf ears (i.e.: any employee). Guess what? NO ONE CARES. You don't like the employee's lack of ambition and poor customer service skills? Try working with the general public for eight hours a day. To quote Clerks, the job would be great if it WEREN'T FOR THE FUCKING CUSTOMERS!
o) Do not give the "Hold on, I'm in the middle of a conversation! Can'tyouseethatyoustupidbitch!" one finger "wait" when greeted. I hope that there is nothing left in your size or everything is full price, you stupid cunt.
p) I am aware that everything in the store is overpriced, it's the suburbs baby! Oh, by the way, nice BMW. I saw you circle the parking lot 10 times to find a spot in the front.
q) That velour top you are paying $96 for was probably made by a 8-14 year old girl earning about $1 a day in India. Just thought you should know.
r) When something is not on the floor, there probably aren't any left! Where is this magical back store room that customers envision employees hiding all the hot selling items? I'd love to see it! It certainly is not in back of this store.
s) If something falls off the rack or the hanger, for the love of GOD, please pick it up! Why does stepping on it seem like a good idea to nearly everyone this happens to? Yeah, just ignore it, step on (or over it) and leave it there. It'll pick it self up, get re-steamed, placed back on a hanger and put back on the rack all by itself.
t) Where do the employees get their outfits? I'll give you one wild guess. Stop asking.
u) The fitting rooms are not bathrooms. How the two get confused is questionable at best but stop acting like they are! Nothing super, totally gross has happened but really. Leave the bodily fluids to the bathroom or whoever you call your sex partner.
v) Yes, they were on sale last week. No, they are not on sale this week. No, you can't have the sale price this week because the sale was last week. No, fighting will not change the fact. Yes, you are annoying. No, I don't care if you ever come back.
w) Yes, the website has what we have in the store. Yes, some of the prices are different. NO, they are not interchangeable If something is on sale online, BUY IT ONLINE because COMPANY POLICY DOES NOT ALLOW THE STORE TO SELL IT AT A SALE PRICE UNLESS THE STORE IS HAVING THE SALE TOO!
x) Yes, I alone created the policy above.
y) Pants come in different inseams. Do not whine that you found "the perfect" pair but they are too long, do not glare at me like I'm supposed to get down on my hands and knees to hem your new jeans. Are you fucking kidding me? I don't know how to sew jeans! Even if I did, I wouldn't! The seamstress comes in ONCE a week. NO I don't have her home phone number. I hope you trip on the excess fabric and break your neck.
z) Don't start rambling on about your life. I don't care. I'm not your therapist. Don't you see I'm busy picking the nailpolish off my nails?