Sorry about the length, but the whole post truly warranted a meta...
RE: What the Hell are you up to now?
It has come to my attention that you have started functioning on a bi-weekly basis. While I certainly understand feelings of wanting to ‘overachieve’ and ‘make a good impression’ in my new place of employment, I feel compelled to point out that this mandate does not include you. If you check the November 9, 2005 memo titled “New Job: Don’t Fuck This Up!”, you’ll find that I addressed the section regarding working extra hours and putting in extreme effort to the brain, the fingers, the feet and the mouth specifically. Nowhere was there even a whisper of you being required to do more than the bare minimum. I even considered putting a in a plea for you to take some of your accrued vacation days, and even advancing you several weeks vacation against next year’s allotment, but I knew that your strong work ethic would not allow you to do so.
I feel compelled to remind you that regardless of our personal feelings for each other that we are still a team. We share the same body. We have (mostly) the same goals. We need to be able to pull together to get to them. Please reconsider your behavior and cease all extracurricular operations forthwith.
RE: What the Hell are you up to now?
Thank you for the lovely note. I always enjoy hearing from you. Really. It always makes my day.
You’ll find that I am a team player and a go-getter. I feel that I shouldn’t have to be asked to go the extra mile—I should be going it as a matter of course. What you perceive as negative behavior is actually ‘risk-taking’ and ‘thinking outside the box’, both of which are things that you’ve admitted you need to work on. I’m merely helping you meet and achieve new goals before you set them.
If you’ll refer to the Employee Handbook—Irene’s Body under chapter 7, subsections 3a1 and 3a2 you’ll find that it says in part:
Reproductive Organs -- Female Reproductive Organs (henceforth called FROs need to fulfill the following functions:
3. At a moment’s notice a FRO needs to be prepared to:
1. excessive amounts of overtime in order to keep Irene working hard at a new job. The amount of water you help her retain will make her feel so uncomfortable that she’ll be unable to fall asleep at her desk. The sensitivity you cause in her breasts and nipples will make her extremely valuable in forecasting severe weather events because she’s able to now feel changes in barometric pressure—a must in any property insurance position. The number of times you send her running full pelt to the rest room to save her clothing will make her more visible to upper management as someone who moves quickly and with great urgency, no matter what.
2. at odd hours, with fits and stops. This will enable Irene to lay awake at night and think about her new job as well as answer emails at 3:00 AM, making her new bosses think that she is Johnny on the spot—‘Spot” having a dual meaning in this case, of course.
As you can see, I’m not impacting you negatively in any way. I’m behind you 110%, Irene. I’m pulling my weight. I’m helping you push the boulder up the hill one inch at a time.
You can do it, Duffy Moon.
RE: THE FUCK?
I can see where you’re coming from and I can understand your enthusiasm and willingness to ‘go the extra mile’, but please refer to the same Employee Handbook, same chapter, section 3a3. You’ll find it easily as it is a recent addendum scrawled in blood-red lipstick. It states as follows, and I quote:
3. DIE, FUCKING BITCH DIE. IF YOU KEEP THIS SHIT UP, I’M GOING TO STICK A COAT HANGER DOWN MY NOSE AND YANK YOU OUT BY THE FALLOPIAN TUBES. STOP FUCKING AROUND OR ELSE!!!!!!,
As you can see, there really is no reason for a rational FRO like yourself to keep going on like this.
Please go into emergency shutdown mode ASAP, if not sooner.
Thanks for your cooperation!
PS. That boulder metaphor—not good. It rolls back down to the bottom of the hill right before you hit the top, usually crushing you in the process. Just so you know.
RE: No, Fuck YOU. Really.
Despite your juvenile yet strangely charming and still slightly disturbing attempt to change corporate policy, you should be aware that until your addendum is filed with the Home Office, being The Brain, voted on by The Board, (of which I am a member and you are not) and approved by a clear majority by the same Board, it is worth the value of what you wrote it with. Which knowing your taste in cosmetics is tacky CVS drugstore cheapass lipstick--probably Wet N’ Wild or something similarly toxic to your skin and the environment--and therefore completely worthless.
Thanks for playing!
Have a nice day,
PS. Re: the boulder. I knew that. It was on purpose, you dumb bitch.
RE: Have I mentioned how much I HATE YOU?
Uterus, or should I endearingly call you your pet name, YOU BITCH:
Stop hiding behind the Employee Handbook. I know exactly what set you off two weeks ago and I know exactly what set you off today.
Two weeks ago you were with me and all the Alphas doing a run. telaryn’s uterus was hating on her, as was tinne’s and peacockharpy’s. I remember this because I was bragging to them that you had already finished your job for the month a few weeks before and were taking a well deserved break.
I know I may have sounded superior, but that was not my intention. And what would be so wrong about me being proud of you for once, I ask? But I digress.
I know why you did it right in the middle of the 5k run. I know. Because you wanted to be a follower. You wanted to be ‘one of the girls’. You wanted to ‘belong’.
You fucking weasel pushover. Can’t you grow a spine? Be your own person?
As for today, you know full well that I just bought pretty new underwear that actually fit and are lacy and sexy and made of black mesh with bows and interesting elastics and stuff. You knew I had ‘plans’ for tonight with my husband and my replacement vibrator. I know you hate me.
Well, the feeling’s mutual. I just called the doctor, she’s seeing you next week and then you’ll be sorry. You’re getting eviction orders and I’m going to happily enforce them. With a spork if I have to.
PS. So glad to know about the boulder. You ever think that if I get crushed, you’re going down too, dumbass?
RE: Blow it out your ass.
Irene, whose Indian Name is “FUCKEDINTHEHEADFORTALKINGTOHERUTERUS” which roughly translated to English is pronounced, “Hey, DUMBASS”,
No, I can’t grow a spine. I’m a uterus. I’m a big empty ball of muscles. Pick up a biology book that covers something besides Orlando Bloom slashfic, you dumb bitch.
As for today. Yeah, they were nice panties, weren’t they?
Love and Kisses,
PS. RE: Being crushed. I’m well insulated by your FAT ASS. I’m sure I’d have a 50/50 chance of survival. I'll take my chances.
PPS. Your doctor still likes me best.
PPPS. RE: The Orlando Bloom slashfic. You're a twisted fuck, you know that?