My Name's Women (lilgreenfairy) wrote in metaquotes,
My Name's Women
lilgreenfairy
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American Tradition from the eyes of a state worker shleb

Included in a rant about basic americana from the eyes of a state worker, cryticalvision discusses the american traditions, including idendity theft, baseball , and apple pie..

Apple Pie. The Thanksgiving and Christmas wonder. Crispy flaky crust filled with chewy and spicy apples chunks. Why is this a tradition? Who knows. Maybe it started when Johhny Appleseed got hit on the head with an apple and thought he was Issac Newton discovering gravity and was sure he had to help everyone find it so he tried to cover the country in trees. Too bad Paul Bunyon was right behind him with the GAWDDANG!AXE cutting them all down again. (Sub Tradition. Bedroom Communities!)

Context? Full post here..

I have come to understand the state of our country. It is made of people who are mighty and proud, the people who set forth and do great things . . . or at least, things for great amounts of money. It boils down to three basic principles and traditions of America. What are they? I'm SO glad you asked!

1. Baseball. Ah, baseball. The great Amerian pasttime. Men in knee socks and shorts running around hitting balls with big sticks, chewing bubblegum and spitting all the while scratching themselves and cussing at the powers that be. In its more basic form, it's called 'high school' but once you're paid to do it, it's called 'professional league.'
2. Apple Pie. The Thanksgiving and Christmas wonder. Crispy flaky crust filled with chewy and spicy apples chunks. Why is this a tradition? Who knows. Maybe it started when Johhny Appleseed got hit on the head with an apple and thought he was Issac Newton discovering gravity and was sure he had to help everyone find it so he tried to cover the country in trees. Too bad Paul Bunyon was right behind him with the GODDAMN!AXE cutting them all down again. (Sub Tradition. Bedroom Communities!)
3. Identity Theft Paranoia. Only in America would there be a system that controlls your entire life by binding everything about you to 9 little digits that, if in the wrong hands, can completely destroy your life. Take the example of the young white woman in CA who discovered her identity was stolen and she had mystically become an old black man in Florida who opened credit cards and promptly bought porn and lingerie for his sugar baby lover. And, truth to be told, it's not THAT common. Therefore the Paranoia has become the tradition. Yes, people. When you are contacted by the state government, never trust them! Don't look them up in the White Pages and find that their number is listed as the same in the notice. Suspect EVERYTHING. That means that even when President Bush himself knocks on the door, suspect him! He might be out to steal your identity! (Sure shooting, most of us wouldn't want to be HIM.)

God Bless America. Give us your poor, your homeless, your destitute . . . We'll attach you to a 9 digit number, feed you apple pie and give you a career in major league Baseball. Don't you LOVE this country?

(Quoted from friends only journal with permission)
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