Gluppit the prawling strangles, there (elettaria) wrote in metaquotes,
Gluppit the prawling strangles, there

Reducing the reduced Bible

I recently posted to point out the new 100-minute Bible that should be hitting UK bookshops soon, and to whinge about the slight bias it appears to be taking (apparently Jesus is the main charcter of the Bible, including the Old Testament). As far as I can tell it was written by a Brit, though his excessive use of "majored" is suspicious. eye_of_a_cat's response was:


Wow. Microwave ready-meal Bible.

Look, there's a great story here - let's get into it and let's not get put off by the things that are going to be the sub-plot. Let's give you the big plot.

("Now starring Brad Pitt as John the Baptist and Kevin Spacey as Jesus!") The evangelical movement has a very weird relationship to the Bible in the first place, sort of idolatry combined with mass marketing. I'm guessing the Big Plot will be as follows:

1. God made pretty stuff.
2. Which we are no longer allowed to play with, because God is mad at us.
3. And will stay mad at us for the forseeable future, with brief interludes of deciding He likes one or two old men with beards.
4. But wait! A loophole!
5. Someone forgot to run the You're All Doomed, Humanity! forms past a lawyer, so now we might be okay. God's son will provide updates as they arrive.
6. God's son says some stuff about love and forgiveness and how to treat your fellow humans and blah blah blah, presumably just to kill time until he got to the Really Important Stuff. Which this world isn't (see 2.).
7. The J- er, somebody - killed Jesus.
8. But this is just part of the master plan, in which 2% of humanity gets to avoid eternal torment thanks to repeating some magic words! Yay!
9. And eventually, Jesus will come back and destroy you all for rolling your eyes at our theology, so ner.


I should possibly mention that I'm Jewish and she's Catholic, and we're both in Scotland.

  • Post a new comment


    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded