K (spiralstairs) wrote in metaquotes,

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From legless123, who never fails to make me keel over in hysterical laughter.

(I was going to post something else, but this is heaps funnier:


Here there be profanity, poopage, and maiming.

When I lived in Manchester I shared a flat with a girl. Marie, who had a killer cat called Ziggy. Ziggy was a fucking huge marmalade tom cat. It's the biggest cat I've ever seen. And it used to chase dogs. Loads of times I've seen it attack, jumping out from ambush, dogs walking down the deck-access to our flats.

This one year we were all going away for Xmas so Marie asked a friend of hers, Vince to look after Ziggy. Now Vince was guy I couldn't stand. He was a screaming queen - the type who minced and he was one of the bitchiest, nastiest people I've ever come across. I'd have happily slit his throat. And so Ziggy went to stay with Vince for the Xmas festivities and we all went our various ways.

When we got back we found out that Ziggy had been a bad cat. On Xmas day when Vince was cooking his lonely Xmas lunch (lonely because nobody apart from Marie could stand the fat cunt...) the doorbell rang so Vince, having just taken a small chicken out of the oven, went to answer it. Quick as an orange bolt of lightening Ziggy leapt up onto the worktop and grabbed the entire chicken in its mouth and legged it into the living room and under some low table to eat his spoils. Vince, seeing this started screaming at Ziggy and foolishly tried to reach under the table to try and retrieve his mangled meal. Not a good move. Ziggy had no compunction about taking on humans if the situation warranted and this one did. Letting go of the chicken he sank his teeth and front claws into the meaty part at the bottom of Vince’s thumb and quickly brought his back legs up to rip at Vince’s fore-arm. A few quick swipes and Vince’s arm was laid open to the bone and his hand was a mangled mess. Vince retreated and Ziggy was left to enjoy his dinner in peace.

Now that would have been funny enough as far as I was concerned but God had not done fucking with Vince's head yet. When Vince started to scream at Ziggy, Vince's dog thought that he’d done something wrong and because when Vince started screaming it usually meant a severe beating for the dog, it snuck up stairs in abject fear and jumped on Vince’s bed where it waited trembling for his wrath to descend. Its fear was so great that it shat and pissed itself while Vince screamed and yelled down stairs. And so Vince's Xmas was complete. No Xmas dinner, 8 hours in Casualty getting his arm stitched up and on return from hospital, a bed covered in shit and piss.

And who says there's no Father Xmas?



He's also made the best of page for many of b3ta's QOTW, where are many metaquotes style stories. I highly encourage the visit. (And I made the best of 'Ignorance'. It's the very last one.)

www.b3ta.com/qotw (It's basically the UK's Something Awful, but different.)

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