Lethran (gwyd) wrote in metaquotes,

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How to Tell Your Child's Soul is Imperiled by being a Goth

This is from a flocked post by surreality, quoted with permission:

Here is a sample:
2. Wears band and/or rock t-shirts.
Damn you, Tori Amos, you succubus siren of the damned.

5. Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos.
*glances down* I guess that qualifies as an interest.

7. Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.
Ok, folks. Raise your hand if you don't dress, act, or speak eccentrically. Bueller? No one? Thought so.

Stolen shamelessly from xamses. Go, read the original post now. You'll be glad you did, because he is a thousand times funnier than I am.

This is a newsletter that St. Mary's church in Colorado Springs sent out this week:

If Your Child is a Gothic, Reform Through the Lord!

Listed below are some warning signs to indicate if your child may have gone astray from the Lord. Gothic (or goth) is a very obscure and often dangerous culture that young teenagers are prone to participating in. The gothic culture leads young, susceptible minds into an imagined world of evil, darkness, and violence. Please seek immediate attention through counselling, prayer, and parental guidance to rid your child of Satan's temptations if five or more of the following are applicable to your child:

1. Frequently wears black clothing.
Fuck you. It's slimming.

2. Wears band and/or rock t-shirts.
Damn you, Tori Amos, you succubus siren of the damned.

3. Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick or nailpolish.
I am entirely too colorful for this. Besides, if I wanted to look like I hadn't slept in a week and had dark circles around my eyes, I could just go out without makeup.

5. Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos.
*glances down* I guess that qualifies as an interest.

6. Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (Marilyn Manson claims to be the anti-Christ, and publicly speaks against the Lord. Please discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.)
There's social genres of music these days?

7. Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.
Ok, folks. Raise your hand if you don't dress, act, or speak eccentrically. Bueller? No one? Thought so.

8. Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports.
Does it qualify as "declining" if the interest was never there to begin with?

10. Takes drugs.
No thanks. Unless Midol counts. I'm shirking my sin of Eve.

11. Drinks alcohol.
Chartreuse, you damn me. (Hey, Tori, want some?)

12. Is suicidal and/or depressed.
Because there's nothing other than being a goth that causes depression. I'll be sure to tell my mother she's a goth now, and in dire need of salvation, the moment she gets home.

13. Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation. (This is a Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and His love. Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health center.)
...since when is this a satanic ritual?

14. Complains of boredom.
I'm so not bored with all the drinking, whoring, tattooing, piercing, antisocial music listening, and satanic jewelry-making. You wouldn't be, either. If you're bored, you're not doing it right.

15. Sleeps too excessively or too little.
I sleep when my body wants me to do so. I'd call that "just right".

16. Is excessively awake during the night.
I've always been a night owl. It's more quiet. I like quiet.

17. Dislikes sunlight or any other form of light. (This pertains to vampires promoting the idea that His light is of no use.)
Daystar bad, people. Daystar bad. This has everything to do with being naturally light sensitive and prone to migraines. Now, if you want to tell me that migraines come from Satan, I might believe you. By the by, are we forgetting Lucifer's title as The Lightbringer? I think we are.

18. Demands an unusual amount of privacy.
Invade my personal space at your own peril.

19. Spends large amounts of time alone.
Many people have not believed #18. This is not my fault.

20. Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your child may speak to evil sprits through meditation.)
This is so I can work. You know. That thing I do to make money and try to pay bills.

21. Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult.
Awwwyeah. Folks, from now on, we have to be escorted by my mother or father any time we do anything. Yes, anything. My inner sadist bristles with glee at the very thought, because it wasn't my idea to leave them in the dust when hanging around with like minds...

22. Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but a few examples of this.
When you could out-argue them by the age of eight, you look for smarter authority figures. Is this so wrong?

23. Misbehaves at school.
At the age of 31, if I was misbehaving in any manner at a school, I would be in prison.

24. Misbehaves at home.
*bites tongue*

25. Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this.
If you're stupid enough to eat this swill, you deserve to roast in hellfire.

26. Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Vampires believe this is how to attain Satan. This act is very dangerous and should be stopped immediately.)
This is how you attain Satan? Whew, thanks for letting me know! I already have Belial and Mammon and Lilith, and was hoping to complete the set!

27. Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may watch.)
...so I should tell my father to drop that subscription to the Playboy channel?

28. Plays videos games that contains violence or are of a role-playing nature.
I go for both at once, and toss in sex for bonus points.

29. Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.
...where I run that business and stuff. The computer is Satan's voicebox. The subtle hum of its fan is the soothing lisp of his forked tongue. It's even an Apple, so I have supped of the forbidden fruit of this computer doesn't fucking suck and learned more than Bill Gates God intended.

30. Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music.
I shake my head violently when anything resembling rap or country crosses the airwaves. This is usually accompanied by exclamations of, "NOOOOOOOO!"

31. Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner.
There's another way?

32. Expresses an interest in sex.
...can you double up on bold, somehow?

33. Masturbates.
Oh, come on. Leave me at least one hobby...

35. Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism, Scientology, Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism.
I've been chasing Paganism for years now. It's such a little bastard. It'll slow down so I can almost catch up, but then it speeds up again and leaves me winded.

36. Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases: "I'm so gothic, I'm dead", "woe is me", "I'm a goth".
If I ever saw someone wearing a pin that said, "I'm a goth," I would mock them until my tongue bled. Then, I could qualify for #26!

37. Claims to be a goth.
...just no.

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