Screw Helm's Deep, Gandalf and Sauron should have just had a really aggressive kissing match and sorted things that way*
*Yes, I am aware that Sauron is a giant floating eyeball and has no tongue to speak of.
...it was the footnote that got me. XD
And in a comment by bpcslave:
Battle of Tongues Deep. Mmmmmmm...
And Sauron could always use the Mouth of Sauron, you know. Just imagine the gaping-mouthed goldfish snog he could inflict...
Whole entry here: http://www.livejournal.com/community/fanficrants/891059.html