the assassination of franz ferdinand
OSKAR POTIOREK, governor of the Austrian provinces of Bosnia-Herzegovina. Professional moron.
FRANZ FERDINAND, an archduke. Heir to the Austro-Hungarian throne. Also not very bright.
COUNTESS SOPHIA, Franz's wife. Sekritly pregnant.
THE BLACK HAND, a secret association of pan-Serbian nationalists.
NEDELJKO ČABRINOVIĆ, member of The Black Hand. Bad aim.
GAVRILO PRINCIP, member of The Black Hand. Incredibly lucky.
BARON MORSEY, a member of the Franz's staff.
FRANZ URBAN, the driver.
ALEX KAPRANOS, PAUL THOMSON, NICHOLAS MCCARTHY, AND ROBERT HARDY, a band.
OSKAR POTIOREK: So, Franz Ferdinand. Want to come to Sarajevo and watch my troops on maneuvers? On a very important holiday? Even though Bosnia would rather belong to Serbia?
FRANZ FERDINAND: 'kay. But I'm bringing my wife. It can be an anniversary present.
COUNTESS SOPHIA: *is actually excited about this*
THE BLACK HAND: Oh no you didn't. *plots*
FRANZ FERDINAND AND COUNTESS SOPHIA: *arrive in Sarajevo by train on June 28, 1914*
OSKAR POTIOREK: 'sup.
FRANZ FERDINAND: You know what would be cool? A parade. And let's make sure the car's top is rolled all the way back so everybody can see us.
NEDELJKO ČABRINOVIĆ: *flings grenade*
GRENADE: *misses Franz Ferdinand, injures people*
NEDELJKO ČABRINOVIĆ: Well, fuck. *swallows cyanide, jumps in nearest river*
THE RIVER: *is too shallow*
THE CYANIDE: *is faulty*
NEDELJKO ČABRINOVIĆ: *is apprehended by authorities*
GAVRILO PRINCIP: Well, fuck. *goes to a sandwich shop and contemplates suicide*
FRANZ FERDINAND: You know what else would be cool? Going to the hospital and visiting the bomb victims.
BARON MORSEY: Uh, that might not be such a good idea.
OSKAR POTIOREK: Do you think Sarajevo is full of assassins?
THIS: *is an actual quote*
OSKAR POTIOREK: *decides that the royal car should take the Appel Quay to the Sarajevo Hospital and avoid the city center, but forgets to tell Franz Urban*
FRANZ URBAN: *makes a wrong turn anyway, so, whatever*
GAVRILO PRINCIP: *is right there*
FRANZ URBAN: *backs up slowly right past Gavrilo Princip*
GAVRILO PRINCIP: *shoots Franz and Sophia from about five feet away*
COUNTESS SOPHIA: *dies instantly*
FRANZ FERDINAND: In retrospect, this might have been a really bad idea. *dies*
ALEX KAPRANOS, PAUL THOMSON, NICHOLAS MCCARTHY, AND ROBERT HARDY: *write a song about it*
And fmith muses over history in a comical fashion...