"I can't even begin to comprehend what prompted my mother to say what she did. There was no children around us to set off her BABYEZZ-radar and we weren't actually talking about children or my child-free status. I don't know...maybe menopause fucks some women up or something, but I don't think I could've been more horrified if someone had walked into Taco Bell, chopped off my father's head with a samurai sword and then used the blood spurting out of his neck stump to draw stick figures in assorted lewd and lusty positions on my forehead."
Further on down:
"Her tubes are tied up tighter than a Dominatrix's bitch."
Edit: Whole thing here