Firestorm717 (firestorm717) wrote in metaquotes,
Firestorm717
firestorm717
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On Badly Written Slash

A few words of advice from the self-appointed Minister of Slash, tigertrapped.


When composing a piece of slash fiction please bear in mind the following facts:

1. It is unhelpful to invent descriptives for your main characters. Not least because it makes readers laugh so hard they can't actually read the rest of the story. Use their names. That's why they have them. For example, Sark is Sark. He is not "the blonde" (particularly not with an e). John Constantine is John or Johnny or Constantine. Or, if you must, "the exorcist". He is not "the British demon hunter" or "the brunet" (sic). Balthazar is Balthazar, or the half-breed, or the demon. He is not "the pin-striped tempter" (sic), "the urbane evil-doer" or, God Help Him, "the dandy despoiler". Oh, and calling Chas "the taxi-driver", while hilarious, is largely counter-productive to the slash vibe. Lest you imagine I am joking, read this example: "The British demon hunter told himself to stop ogling the taxi-driver's ass". Now, was that sexy? (Oh sorry, you're still laughing).

2. Gay spunk tastes the same as straight spunk. (I have this on good authority - you know who you are!). It does not taste of almonds, or spices, or anything other than salt (oh and mushrooms, if you must, but - yuk - must you?).

3. On the subject of spunk, can we please not call it sperm or semen? I understand that some slash stories involve male pregnancy (hard to imagine, but so I am told), but let's not put that picture in our heads, people. Oh and it's spelt "cum". I know this, despite insisting on spelling it "come". If you know the rules, you can break them with aplomb. That's my excuse.

4. A tricky one next. To spare any blushes out there, let me simply say: NO, to "his passage", "his entrance", "the puckered mouth of his cave", "his pink rosette". Particularly that last one. It sounds like he's standing in the election.

(NB: I AM NOT MAKING THESE UP - THEY ARE ALL IN STORIES I HAVE READ RECENTLY)


Entire post here.

Those of you looking for further guidelines might want to read up on the various terms NOT to use for a cock or the art of fucking.
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