stars in my eyes (brokencherries) wrote in metaquotes,
stars in my eyes

if you dont want to hear about the adventures of the sperm trampoline, dont click.

Adventures with a Sperm Trampoline
So, I'm putting in my diaphragm, the other day, for those of you who've never seen or heard of these little birth control devices they're little round rubber discs that look a little like mini rain hats that you jam up into the ol' gorilla salad to keep the little swimmers at bay. Yeah, it's pretty archaic but having had all the fun I could bear with birth control pills (pimples and extra fat, oh boy!)this was the next best option.

Anyway, one of the drawbacks of this method is actually getting the fucking thing in. See, you have to fill it with shitloads of spermicidal goo and then smear the rim with the same goo, fold the very springy rubber disc in half, prop one your legs on the sink so you look like you're doing some perverse ballet move and stick it in.

If only it were that easy. This time I'm at step 4 when the thing goes shooting out of my hand and out the open bathroom door. I left the bathroom door open since I was in a rush to get the thing in, you guys think stopping to roll a rubber on sucks? Putting on the cervical trampoline is 100 times worse and I wasn't in the mood to make a date out of this. Unfortunately I didn't notice that the cat had been watching this and when the disc hit the floor the cat pounced on it, grabbed it and ran away.

Fuck! Now I'm chasing the little bastard into the living room as he's tearing around like a fucking border collie with a frisbee and I'm right behind him, buck-assed naked with spermicidal goo all over my hands and sex has become last thing on my mind. He dives under the sofa and sits at the back with the diaphragm, between his paws and looking psychotic. After a lot of cursing and reaching I finally get it away from him and it's covered in cat hair and dust bunnies and looks even more unappealing then it did before the whole operation started and I didn't think that was possible.

At least he didn't puncture it and no we did not have sex that night....
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