Piece by piece (joshualore) wrote in metaquotes,
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The Living will of Kenofallseasons

kenofallseasons decides to protect himself in case he becomes a veggie in this post.

After watching this whole Terry Schiavo case unfold on the various news channels, it has occurred to me that at any suffering moment I could be gone from the mortal plain, suspended in limbo. I have determined that I need a living will, to save my family and friends undue hardship at the almost-passing of their loved one. This 'Will' will not be based on religious teachings, moral/ethical/legal standings, or even common sense but rather be based upon what I consider the minimal quality of life that I need to live, vegetative or otherwise.

I, being of sound mind and body wish for my life to be preserved, either by heroic measures or medical technologies (Advanced or experimental), as long as my body laying in a vegetative state can achieve and maintain an erection. Our scope is limited, both in Science and in Spirituality, to what exactly happens when we pass into that beyond, but the one thing I can state with extreme accuracy, is that I wont be leaving my tally-whacker behind. So as long as my comatose-cock is 'fit to fiddle,' I wish to remain among the assisted-living. As long as I can pop a chub, don't touch that plug. I also wish to invite all the various women that I have loved and been loved by over the years, to come and say goodbye in what ever manner they deem appropriate. And the less appropriate the better.


Behind the cut are a few of his arrangements and wishes for if this should happen.

Below I will outline the new uses for my body that I wish to be carried out immediately and as frequently as the need 'arises:'

[1] I wish to become the world's first self-serve sperm donor. There are those out there, that need some assistance with the miracle of child birth, and I will undoubtedly need some assistance with the extremely painful medical condition known simply as 'blue-balls,' and since 'one hand washes the other' we can be beneficial to each other. Hot lesbian couples can cut to the front of the line.

[3] I wish to be made available, under supervision, to local fraternities who wish to take me on Spring Break with them so that they can re-live 'Weekend at Bernie's' and 'Weekend at Bernie's 2.' This movie achieved critical acclaim across the board, from the socio-elitist film critic to the knuckle-dragging brute, far be it for me to deny the instinctual urge to re-enact this classic.

There are also events/uses/instances that I shall under no circumstances be used for:

[1] Thou shall NOT take me into any backyard, and in laying me upon the ground, incite an erection and engage in a gregarious game of horse-shoe!

[4] Thou shall not place me in line for days or even WEEKS for U2 tickets. Or place me in your back-yard gardens to scare away the crows.


Read the rest of the original post The entire thing is hillarious.
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