nom (r1cepudding) wrote in metaquotes,
nom
r1cepudding
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Comedy from the Disaffected Ranks

The always-hilarious iamubergeek waxes regimental about the proper action to be taken in the face of excessive morale. It's a friends-locked post, replicated here with permission, and cut for length.


MORALE ORDERS


In the event of an outbreak of morale, the following action is to be taken IMMEDIATELY:

By the person discovering the morale

Raise the alarm by shouting: MORALE, MORALE, MORALE.
Attempt to gain assistance ring the nearest morale alarm and make a quick attempt to stamp out the morale (do not expose yourself to the source of the morale).
Ring the ANTI DIVISIONAL MORALE TEAM by dialing 666 on any military phone.
Inform the guardroom who will dispatch the Quick Reaction Morale Force and sound the camp morale outbreak siren.

By the Quick Reaction Morale Force

Report to the guardroom without delay.
Collect anti-morale contingency kit (extra duties roster, brooms, black bags etc).
Send one man to meet the Divisional Anti-Morale Team.

3. By those in the vicinity of the morale

Close all the doors and windows.
Attack the morale with all available resources.
Retire to a safe distance and await the arrival of the Divisional Anti-Morale Team.

4. By the Divisional Anti-Morale Team

Don morale proof anoraks, white socks and brogues.
Locate the source of the morale and contain immediately.
Place all affected personnel on fatigues and dispense extra duties in
blocks of no less than 15.
Reassure all minor cases by having them clean up outside areas for 1
hour.
Do NOT expose yourself for longer than absolutely necessary.

The above action should be sufficient to prevent the outbreak spreading. Extra preventative measures that can be taken could employed are:

Restrict all personnel to barracks.
Introduce a two-can rule in the Sqn/Unit Mess Bars.
Withdraw chips from all meals.
Instigate Ex Pointless Bollocks on a weekly basis.
In severe cases delay mail in and out and place a fault on the Paradigm telephone system.


MORALE IS EVERYONE’S RESPONSIBILITY
- HELP US TO STAMP IT OUT -

Hee.
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