avast, me hearties!
welcome me hearties and lasses, to my first annual celebration of Talk Like A Pirate Day! so ahoy and gangway, and all that other privateer lingo. it's time to sit back, grab a frosty grog and read 'till your eyes bleed. [warning: as previewed last week, this post will feature a heavy dose of Matey-Vision™ for your viewing pleasure (or at least your temporary aesthetic irritation). and now, without further avast or adieu i bring to you...]
Ways in Which Pirate Talk Could Be Applied to Enhance Our Daily Lives
(A). Pop Music
as many of you are aware, male pop musicians tend to be a tad "sissy" (if you'll pardon the expression). their ultimate goal, after all, is to find themselves earning residuals on the easy-listening stations of tomorrow, so it doesn't pay for them to be terribly aggressive. take for example, former Mouseketeer Justin Timberlake. he shaved his head, acquired some back-up dancers, and climbed into a pair of midget-smuggling pants...yet he is no more masculine now than when he sported a certain hat bearing the internationally-recognized sign of "Mickey." HOWEVER. let's tweak some of his lyrics with a little pirate lingo and see what happens:
"No disrespect and i don't mean no harm,
I can't wait to have you in my arms
so hurry up because you're taking too long...
(talk to me, boy)*"
"Well blow me down, you sassy lass,
I can't wait to rip yer bodice,
and hoist you up by me own pitard
(I'll be yer wench, ARRRG)."
(B). Ad Copy
when writing up baby stuff, i get sick to death of words like, "Charming," "Adorable," "Comfortable," "Cozy" and "Cute." just imagine how much more interesting my job would be if i could describe a play pen as a portable brig for your little bilge rat--or better yet, if i could refer to a changing table as the Poop Deck.
(C). Interpersonal Relations
a few days ago i made a lengthy complaint about scurvy Short-Dong Silvers and their lame lubber sexual approach tactics. a simple "no, and please leave me the hell alone" carries much more weight when augmented with threats including the phrases "keel haul" and "mast-blaster"--especially if you grimace, growl, and throw in an AAARRRRGGG or two. they'll be charging the plank just to get away from you.
* * * * *
of course, i can't talk like a pirate all day, for i have plans to meet up with the Matt Pack to go see Underworld tonight. here on this blog i've already made the mistake of addressing Redneck Vampire Haiku, and let me just state that THIS BLOG HAS LEARNED ITS LESSON. i will NOT solicit any Pirate Vampire Haiku on this page, or else my name's not Bonny Wench Cherie.**
happy TLAPD, mateys.
* presumably this bit is sung by a member of the opposing gender, but it's hard to be certain.
** go on. post. you know you wanna.