tatty bojangles (apocalypsos) wrote in metaquotes,
tatty bojangles

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*dies laughing*

This is a little long, but it's by deadspiders, it's hysterically dead-on, and it's not to be missed.

The Basic Concepts of Pirates of the Caribbean Fanfiction

After attempting to navigate my way around the blossoming PoTC fandom for two days now, I think I've learned the basic concepts of it so far. Please, let me know if I'm getting the wrong impressions. Thus far, they are:

* Jack and Will get drunk. Will doesn't drink, unless it's set two years into the future, in which case he's an alcoholic. Jack is always drunk.

* Drink makes Will lose all morals, inhibitions and heterosexuality. By contrast, drink causes Pirate Jack to become highly susceptible to possession by the spirit of a dear departed seventy-two-year-old virginal nun. He will resist Will's lewd advances.

* Until they leave the tavern/go below deck, in which case it's time to bring out the Guide to Alternate Uses for Whale Fat.

* Masts are part of the anatomy, not a ship. Same applies for swells and seamen, among other things. There is a law somewhere that states that if a writer does not use suggestive pirate-related innuendo at least five times per page, the people at pirategasm will break their legs and take back their honorary eyepatch.

* Surprisingly, though, there are less cabinboy jokes than I would have imagined.

* Elizabeth? Who? No, I don't seem to recall any women in the movie...

* Jack says "savvy" all the time. It's actually not an expression, but a neurological disorder akin to Tourette's that causes him to constantly emit this word at sporadic intervals. Don't be upset if a writer uses it twelve times per paragraph - they're only try to see the man behind the disorder. It's a difficult subject, but it's nice to see the fandom's accepted his disability to well.

* Any time in the movie where we did not see Will or Jack, they were together having sex. Same applies for Jack/everyone but Elizabeth's father, who is entitled to no love on account of his silly wig.

* If Will had worn a hat adorned with a rotting dead cat, Jack would have still used it for nefarious, erotic purposes. Hats are unbearably sexy when worn by Orlando Bloom, plume or no.

Let me know if I've missed anything. I'm new to the fandom, and wouldn't want to make a fool of myself by not knowing the basics.

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