This is one of the "must read the whole thing" selections, but to sample a few steps of the recipe:
7. Remember hearing somewhere that brown sugar is made from molasses and sugar at 1:2 ratio. Note that only molasses possessed is "Cranky Jilted Granny's Unbelievably Thick 'n Dark". Wonder aloud "What's the worst that could happen?"
8. Make mental note to see if ominous thunder was in the weather forecast for today. Open jar of molasses, black out from scent.
9. Woozily use fork to chip out molasses in guessed-at ratio. Mix. Wonder why dough looks like licorice.