Jonathan Harker: Count's kinda weird.
MEANWHILE, BACK IN WHITBY, ENGLAND
Luca Westenra: I am teh hott. All teh dudez dig me.
Dr Seward: Liekwhoa Lucy!
Quincey Morris: Liekwhoa Lucy!
Arthur Holmwood: Liekwhoa Lucy!
Mina Murray: Liekwhoa Lu--
Lucy: SSHHH, they're not supposed to know about that! This is a Victorian novel, we have a DEEP, MEANINGFUL, WOMANLY FRIENDSHIP!
Mina: Sorry. Dude, where's my fiance?
MEANWHILE, BACK IN TRANSYLVANIA
Hot Vampire Chicks: Got porn?
Jonathan: OMGWTFBBQ GET AWAY FROM ME
Hot Vampire Chicks: ...he's gay.
Count Dracula: OMG BITCHEZ HE'S MINE!!!
Hot Vampire Chicks: ...him too.
Jonathan: *swoon* (but not in that way, because this is a Victorian novel, and Jonathan and Dracula have a DEEP, MEANINGFUL, MANLY HATRED of each other. Kinda like Harry and Draco.)
Dracula: I'm just sweeeet transvestite / from Transexual Trrrransylvania!
MEANWHILE, BACK IN WHITBY:
Seward: All my friends are mental patients. My favourite one eats flies.
Lucy: My life is fab.
Mina: My life is fab, except that I still can't find my boyshape. Also he hasn't written. You'd think I'd be suspicious, but this is a Victorian novel and I am DEEPLY, MEANINGFULLY OBTUSE. Also I'm sharing a bed with Lucy.
Lucy: Dude, SHUT UP!
MEANWHILE, BACK IN TRANSYLVANIA:
Dracula: Gonna live in a house, a very big house in the countryyy *falls asleep*
Jonathan: *watches Dracula while asleep*
Dracula: OMGWTF COMMITMENT I'M OUTTA HERE *leaves*
Jonathan: *runs gibbering into wilderness*
LATER, ON A BOAT
Captain: Men are scared.
Captain: Sailor missing. Men even more scared.
Romanian Sailors: Can we throw the DEEPLY MEANINGFUL MYSTERY BOXES in the hold into the DEEPLY MEANINGFUL DEEP DEEP SEA?
Dracula. Alright! *suck*
Romanian Sailors: *flibble*
Captain: La di da
Captain: OMG crew all dead! My ship iz pastede on yay. *dies*
*boat runs ashore*
Dracula: Mmm England. Tasty. *suck*
Seward: Huh? I know, I'll call my German Dutch friend.
Mina: Huh? Woe?
Van Helsing: Hallo. Ich bin ein Berliner.
A PHONE CALL
Romanian Nurse: Ms Murray? Your village called. They want their idiot back.
Mina: OMG YOU FOUND MY JON-BOY *goes to Romania*
INT. A SPA IN ROMANIA
Jonathan: *flibble* Here, have a diary.
Mina: OMG I WILL LIEK NEVER OPEN THIS
...unless I need to.
...or you tell me to.
...or I get really, really bored.
MEANWHILE, BACK IN WHITBY
Arthur, Seward, Quincey and Van Helsing: *donate blood*
Lucy: HAHA NOW YOU IS ALL MY BITCHEZ *dies* oh shit.
Van Helsing: Mein Gott! Oh yes, demented wife in Amsterdam I have. Dutch hers better than mine is. English also presumably.
Mina and Jonathan: *arrive*
Mina: *sigh* You leave 'em alone for just one second--
Jonathan: Dude, everyone's dead.
Van Helsing: No, not really. Ahaha. Muwahha. Hee hee.
Everyone else: Huh?
Van Helsing: See you will, young padawan.
A NEWSPAPER REPORT
Shit happens in Whitby and London. Ooh, aren't we all so scared. A real reporter would never write like this.
BACK IN WHITBY:
Vampire Lucy: Did you miss me?
Arthur: OMG STAK3Z0R
Mina: *reads Jonathan's diary* Honey, are you on crack?
Van Helsing: No, no! True it is all!
Mina: Dude, why aren't you in Holland?
Van Helsing: ...er, tulip allergy. Here, read these.
Mina: *reads and copies everyone's diaries, thus creating the first ever LJ archive*
Seward: OMG FRIENDITTO!
Everyone else: stfu. And stop phone posting without transcribing, it's annoying.
Seward: OMG *defriends* *deletes journal*
Everyone else: Um, whatever.
LATER, IN A LUNATIC ASYLUM
Seward: Oh, Renfield, you're my only friend.
Renfield: *eats flies* I'm sane, let me go.
Seward: No, I think I'll let some vague acquaintances ogle you instead.
Renfield: Hey foxxy.
Van Helsing: Dude, he's sane. Let go.
Seward: *sobs* no.
Your Friendly Neighbourhood Count Dracula: *suck*
Mina: Despite the fact that I am pale, drawn and had a very realistic dream about getting my blood sucked, this is a Victorian novel, so I shall be DEEPLY, MEANINGFULLY MARTYR-LIKE and not tell anyone.
LATER, IN LONDON
Dracula: *invests in real estate*
Elite Vampire Hunting Squad, a.k.a. two shrinks, a cowboy, a lawyer and a toff: Let's fuck this shit up!
Dracula: Who's been sleeping in MY bed? ...OMG HARKER YOU HO IT'S YOU!
Jonathan: YES AND I'VE FOUND SOMEONE NEW!!
Dracula: OH YEAH WELL I SUCKED HER!! AND HER FRIEND!!
Jonathan: OMG YOU H0R!!
Jerry Springer: Jonathan, you seem surprised.
LATER, BACK AT THE LUNATIC ASYLUM
Quicey: Ew ick.1
Van Helsing: Here, have some holy wafer on your forehead. It'll do wonders for your skin.
Mina's Forehead: OMGWTFLOLBBQ!! BBQ! BBQ!!!!
Mina: Mah face, mah beaudiful face!
[NOTE: THIS IS THE LAST SENSIBLE THING THAT HAPPENS. THE REST OF THE BOOK GOES PRETTY MUCH AS FOLLOWS:]
Mina: OMG MEN ARE SO BRAVE!!
Men: *faint, sob, cry*
Mina: YEAH, THEY LIKE REALLY ARE AND IT TOTALLY TURNS ME ON
Men: *sleep with the lights on*
Everyone: Hey, I hear the Caspian Sea is kinda nice this time of year. *go to Romania*
Dracula: Neener neener, missed me!
Everyone: Ah crap. So, we're in an unfamiliar landscape, no-one speaks Romanian (but that's okay because Romanians speak German, apparently) and the bad guy's getting angry. What is it they always do in horror movies? I know! LET'S SPLIT UP.
Everyone: *meanders around Romania, end up killing Dracula by an extraordinary coincidence of all being in the right place at the right time* ...well actually, that was a bit of an anticlimax.
Everyone else: Yeah, that helps. * lives happily ever after*