Since I have been requested to give my expert 'beaver munching' advice - (by msanborn - I will now list the top 5 (or six) TO DO's - when eating rug (or linoleum in some of your cases).....but I have to preface this with a disclaimer - that I can only speak for myself.......as munching protocol is an individual preference.
1. Please kiss the thighs first? Hello? Is that too hard to ask? Does not a cheetah stalk it's prey? Does not the eagle come in for the kill with skill and grace? What makes you think you can dive head first into my fur pie? Stalk it. Smell it. Lick around it. Try not to touch it too soon - it's the HUNT - NOT the kill that counts.
2. It's really nice when you use the tip of your tongue to trace the curves without actually breaking in. I mean, what skillful robber just busts down the door? Does he not gingerly handle the device in which he will use to 'slide' into the crack of the door to 'jimmy' the knob? Pick my lock with your tongue...and I will love you.
3. PLEASE breathe lightly. There is nothing WORSE than someone going down on you that sounds like they are eating spaghetti? SLURP anyone? When was the last time YOU heard a 'slurp' and got turned on? That's what I thought. Practice at home, holding your breath, practice at home by putting a feather on a table - hold your breath and let it out softly, slowly - if the feather moves - you fail. If you slurp my pussy....I will kill you.
4. Minimize the salava. My crack is not Niagra Falls. There is not a worse feeling in the world than slobber running down the crack of your ass. You start to worry what is going on. Perhaps you think my 'pee hole' is my clit. How do you know you didn't make me pee? See what you DON'T know - is that if you do not know where the clit is - you just 'might' lick the wrong thing, stimulating the urinary tract and bladder and ....OOPS. If you weren't into 'golden showers' you are now!
5. There is nothing like a little clitoral stimulation with two fingers 1/2 way inserted into the PROPER orafice. Seriously - did I ask to be fisted? Most likely...NOT. There is a time and a place (WHEN I TELL YOU) that I want it a little harder - until then gently lick my luv nub and gently place your fingers into position - do not jab me! Do you like to be poked in the eye? Because if you don't - you won't break this cardinal rule. If you do break the rule - maybe the next time you want a finger up yo butt - I will stick my foot there instead?
6. Do NOT be afraid to use toys. If a plastic buzzing wand hurts your security as a man - you probably KNOW you have a penis that is wayyyy too small. There is no other joy, than to being given oral AND feeling like you are being boffed. You don't know it - but we're lying there pretending we're in the threesome you won't allow us to have because that TOO diminishes your manhood. But what you don't know does not hurt you.....just do it like a good boy - and we will include YOU in that fantasy.
and YES...this time I HAD to add a 7th.....just coz it's a lucky number.
7. DO NOT think because you are giving US oral - that we want to give it to you...at the same time. A man invented 69 - because he liked the idea of pinning some chicks head down and impaling her tonsils - knowing she couldn't say STOP with her mouth full. You greedy bastard. If you thought giving ME head - was an instant 'back stage' pass to gettin some yo self...think again. I will bite you. Hard. If I WANT to do it - you will feel me gently pull on your LEG - maybe I'll even caress it and guide it towards my face. Do some exercises - I do not want your anus in my nose. You need to be able to keep a good six inches between your ass and my face. Squats help. We women do them all the time when you want us on top like the good pogo stick riders we are. If I want you any closer - I will grab your ass and yank you down. Until then...just keep licking. That is your job.