Okay - now. I've been having a comment fest with some of you - one of you in particular. About munching beavers. YES...I said munching beavers. On the meds I am on - I cannot be held responsible for my choices of topics for the next 7-10 days.
The fact is - MOST men SUCK at munching beaver. And for some reason - they don't want to believe it. Women - it's time to STAND UP and tell these idiots they DO NOT know what they are doing. Every time you 'fake' a moan or grab their hair while you're making grocery lists in your head - you are doing the REST of us a great disservice. Because once you and this LAME ASS muncher break up - he might be coming my way - and then I have to put up with his 'alphabetical' misinterpretation of what snatch blasting is all about. I use to HATE having it done to me - literally I would make up grocery lists in my head - plot out the next day - count sheep. Until I met Ian. Like I told this person I'm commenting to about it - maybe it was coz he was a virgin when we met and I could train him up right - or maybe coz he was so excited about doing it that he just went for the gusto. Who knows - but I knew I must marry him when I started making my grocery list and it went like this:
"Bread, Eggs, Cheese, Butter, Milk...Milk....Milk....Milk....Milllllll
End of story. Now I can't get enough. I want to detach his head and carry it around in my drawers like a maxi pad with a tongue. Unfortunately, that's not possible. But I'm sure you get my TMI drift. Now - men take heed these are the top 5 things to NOT do....most women DO NOT like the following:
1. DO NOT eat my pie like you're in a contest - you will get NO blue ribbon for trying to bury your head up to my navel. It hurts - and it doesn't feel good. In the least. If I feel your eyebrows tickle my ribcage from the INSIDE - you have went too far. Thank you.
2. DO NOT launch an attack on my clit with your front teeth. They call it MUNCHING BEAVER - NOT Munch LIKE a BEAVER. You are NOT trying to build your winter home at the expense of my sensitive clit okay?
3. MY CLIT IS NOT A NIPPLE. You will NOT receive nurishment from sucking my clit like you're a breastfeeding baby. The last time you did that - I walked around for THREE days feeling like I had a balloon in my panties. When I sat down it felt like I had a marble glued to my hootie. YOU BAD BOY! You should suck a clit like it is a soap bubble - very gently as to not *POP* it.
4. DO NOT CHEW my labia? Okay? It is not like beef jerky - and it is not made of rubber. I watch porn - and I see what too much chewing does to the labia. Most of those women bend over and it looks like chopped liver hanging out of their choochie. LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!
5. DO NOT blow in my hole. YES. I am not a hot air balloon and do not need your garlic breath fogging up my pristine love muffin. Plus - you want to giggle when I have a 'pussy fart' moment - but it's your fault for blowing hurrican force winds into a tunnel with NO end....where did you THINK it was gonna go? I am overweight - and it's not because I over eat - it's because YOU keep 'pumping' me up like a deflated tire with your incessant BLOWING into my vagina. It does NOT feel good - as a matter of fact it gives us cramps and we have to try to hold it in so we don't become embarassed when you get a good blast of air BACK in your face - while you're lamely attemping to write my name on my choocie with your tongue. AND NO - not every name has a fuckin 'D' in it okay?
OKAY - well shit - I HAVE to add a #6 - because it just popped into my head:
#6 (Extra credit) - DO NOT stick your tongue in my ASS without permission. Sometimes that's okay - and sometimes it's not - just because it's just a 'chin' away does not give you 'carte' blanch' to probe it with your tongue. Did you EVER consider I may have just eaten a burrito OR a White Castle? Then you expect me to KISS you? Maybe your mom's cooking tasted like shit - but mine didn't. I wasn't trained that way. Yeah - I know my ass is always clean - but that's no 'green light' for you to invade my essence. Keep your fuckin face where it's suppose to be unless I grab your hair and shove your face where the sun don't shine. You can condiser that your 'Do not pass go, do not collect $200 dollars' permission slip into my 'special no no zone.'
So there....take heed and pass this around. More men would live long lives if they could just accept that they do not know how to eat pussy. Period.
Okay - topic 10 - masturbation. There is an influx of masturbation these days. Reason? Men suck. They want you to be good - but if you are they blow their load too quick and you're left lying there half quivering - about 2 inches from oblivion - and they're lying there like they just had the best sex ever. WHAT THE FUCK is up with that? And they get 10-kinds of jealous when they hear buzzing? GET OVER IT. I have learned from my first marriage to give myself UNLIMITED orgasms in less than 30 seconds WITHOUT YOUR help. Do not blame me because you or your constituents have not been able to accomplish what I have. Now I've masturbated so much you will NEVER please me. Nanner Nanner - jealous much? You need two big macs, a ciggarette and 20 minutes to recouperate. Once you start my motor - IM the one who decides when to park the car. And if you can't finish the job - move your lame ass over and let the diddlin commence. You do what I say - If I want you to talk dirty - you better fuckin talk dirty to me. Because if you don't - there's a line of men waiting around the corner to witness my 'squirting' technique - read it and weep.
Okay - I feel a little better now. I wish there were more men on my friends list. I think they need to know this. I should become the "Dr. Phil" of beaver munching.