Sean Penn, you are a wonderful actor, and I have enjoyed the bulk of your recent work. However, I must respectfully request that you remove the stick from betwixt your butt cheeks and loosen your underwear. Winning an Oscar does not mean you must morph into a self-important, anal-retentive blowhard or Susan Sarandon. You can laugh; it's permissible under the Geneva Convention, I swear. Chris Rock was joking, and Jude Law, while a mediocre talent, is a big boy. The constant hypertension is going to kill you.
You should read the rest of it, too.