"Hi, I'm Chris Rock. I was hired because apparently only dead people watch the Oscars. You heard me, folks! Dead people! HAHAHA! Aren't you offended! I just called you all dead! Now I'm going to call you old! You're old! HA! And dead! And white! HAHAHA! Oh how the papers will be screaming for my blood tomorrow! I'm so offensive! Hah, take that, Academy! I kill me. Also: Judelawsucks!"
"Hi, I'm Robin Williams. Instead of paying attention to the artists who slaved to make the animated movies nominated for this Bogus Animation Oscar, I'm going to talk about my political beliefs and pretend I'm being oppressed. I'm oppressed, people, oppressed! Me, Robin Williams! The most beloved comic since Jerry Lewis! Mee! OPPRESSED! I've been stifled, my artistic genius trampled, my hilarity forever wounded by the evils of conservatism! Never mind that the song I wanted to sing was hideously unfunny, I'm being oppressed! So pay attention to me! Because it's all about me! Me, me, me! Not Brad Bird, me! Look at me! Look at meeeeee!"
"Hi, I'm Jamie Foxx. I'm now going to relate an uncomfortable story about how my grandmother beat me. I can tell by the looks on your faces you're not sure if you should laugh or be touched. I certainly was touched ... by the back of her hand! HAHAHA! Look out, Rock, I've got my eye on your job. Now I'm going to close my eyes and remember my grandmother." *closes eyes, hums* "Ooh, yeah, spank me, Granny."
"Hi, I'm Hillary Swank. I'm wearing my dress backwards. I would like to take the next few minutes to thank my lawyer and my publicist, and to say to those who had to receive their Oscars via slingshot, SUCK ON THIS, BITCHES! You'll never be important enough to make it to the stage!"
"Hi, we're the artists who won Oscars for best animated short, best live action short, best makeup and others. We'd like to say that you just forced a makeup artist to accept their Oscar in the freakin' aisle, which has totally insulted us. We're totally going on strike. I'd like to see you wankers try stepping outside your million dollar mansions without you freakin' make up on now, yeah? YOU suck on THAT, Hillary!"
"Hi, I'm Sean Penn. I have no sense of humour. I would like to defend Jude Law's honour, because he's in that special club we have. The club with the tree house and the secret password and the secret handshake. Also, I am a tool. I am a tool, tool, tool. I am a tool."
"Hi, I'm Dustin Hoffman, and this giant inflated balloon beside me is Barbra Streisand. She won't stop touching me. I'm going to need multiple showers tonight."
"Hi, I'm Samuel Jackson and I'm here to present-"
Us: Damn, it's Sam Jackson! I hope he breaks out the swears! Muthafucka! Use the Force, Muthafucka! This party's over, bitch! Hahah! Bitch! I said bitch!
"--this award. With no swears."
"Hi, I'm Kate Winslet, and yes, Faith, I would go gay for you too."
(At this point I realized I'd fallen asleep. Dangit.)
From this entry: http://www.livejournal.com/users/smuu/460907.html?view=2236779#t2236779