First you make me look bad in front of Gandalf, then you rolf all over my robes--that's ten meters of steel-blue silk-velvet brocade ruined, I'll have you know, and dry cleaning has been TOTALLY BANNED in Rivendell, on account of how Arwen's been on an "environmental" kick since she and Ranger-boy started doin' it in the Golden Wood 50 years ago... ANYWAY.
I have a Live Journal and I shall have my revenge. There's no hiding place. The Rohirrim can't help you. Shelob's got nothing on me: my web is WORLD WIDE.
So. General Public? Free Peoples of Lower, Middle, Lower-Middle, and Middle-Upper Earth? Here's the 411 on that little creep wandering around the North Country telling everyone to call him "Merry":
Meriadoc Brandybuck is NOT "the sexy hobbit." He may have a fancy Romantic name, as hobbits go, and he may be a bit taller and less moronic than average (though his intellectual capacity is GREATLY EXAGERRATED, mostly by him), but he's still an IGNORANT GOOFBALL. He talks a good game till just beyond the Brandywine Bridge, but take him any further than the border of the Old Forest and he's a total loss. One night in the woods northeast of Bree (I was there!) he tried speaking Quenya to some wayfaring fairfolk and they asked him if he was from RHUN. Bwahaha! And if you ever saw him on a horse, his rep would be ZIP.
Furthermore, because I know some of you are harboring your little schoolgirl fantasies, Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took are JUST FRIENDS. Sure, they go poncing around Bywater in their fancy outfits and close the door with a nod and a wink, but even someone as desperate and dim as Pippin wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pipe. Because Meriadoc Brandybuck, Mr Romantic Pretensions what Can't Hold His Mead, harbors a secret fetish--for ELVES. Oh no, mere mortals not good enough for him. The hairy-footed mini-swashbuckler actually thinks he's gonna make it with an Elf. Give him one little cape... oh and the HORN. Let's not forget the %@%#@%$#!@%! Horn of Rohan. As if the twit would let us forget it for ONE LOUSY MINUTE. He actually thinks he can ATTRACT ELVES with that thing; goes off blowing it in the woods at night, hoping one of them will mistake him for a bull reindeer and he'll get lucky.
[No! Ah! Merry, cut it OUT! heehee]
And he has horrible br [no! Merry--ach]
I, Peregrin Took, am a complete and utter liar who has slept with the entire Tower Guard. [CUT IT OUT! CUT! CUT!]
[halo! for the original]