I think your foliage is staging a coup by gathering your office supplies into a militia by offering to return them to Staples. Have you checked your pens for concealed weapons? Has your stapler used your credit card to buy tickets for "The Revolution Will Not Be Televised" at your nearest arthouse movie theater? Are your paper clips linking arms through no fault of your boredom?
If so ... dude, you are sooooo screwed.