The Book Of Fanfic
1: And it came to pass that some people wrote fanfic, and they had themselves a high old time of it, and why not, for it was fun.
2: And it came to pass very shortly afterwards that others read these writings, and thought that they were not Good, and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.
3: "Lo!" they said. "This badfic is a plague upon the nations of the Earth. For how hard is it to get a beta reader? Or to run spellcheck? Or use the holy powers of logic? Or write the characterisations *I* like? Or do *normal* pairings? Verily, these writers are crap."
4: The noise of outraged fans did rise up even to Heaven and buzzed in the ear of God, like unto a swarming plague of locusts.
5: And it did bother Him, for He was trying to have a relaxing afternoon by the pool, reading popslash about Lance Bass and Justin Timberlake having Teh Hawt Buttsex.
6: (For yea, truly is it said of them that they are the Lambs of God.)
7: And, lo, in His mercy and wisdom and desire to read in peace, the Lord blessed those who did not wish to read the fanfic with the power of the back button, even in their browsers, and the miracle of the delete key, even in their mailing lists, that they might not have to read that which they did not wish to read.
8: And there was much rejoicing.
1: And then it came to pass that some people picked up the fanfic they did not like and mocked it, and MTSed it, and they had themselves a high old time of it, and why not, for it was fun.
2: Others read these mockings, and thought that they were not Good, and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.
3: And the writers of mocking reviews said, "You suck!" in many witty ways.
4: And the defenders of the fanfic said, "People can write what they like!"
5: And the writers of mocking reviews said, "If they can write the tripe, then we can mock it. Free speech cuts both ways, baby."
6: And the defenders of the fanfic said, "You don't have to read it if you don't want to!"
7: And the writers of mocking reviews said, "Likewise, asshat."
9: And other voices cried out in the wilderness, saying, "*Please*, people, can't we all just get along?"
10: Like anyone paid attention to *them*. Losers.
11: The sun rose and set, and rose and set, and still the arguments went on without abating.
12: And the noise did rise up even to Heaven and buzzed in the ear of God, like unto a stinging plague of hornets.
13: And it did bother Him, for He was chilling in His den with a margarita, working on the outline of a story about Justin Timberlake getting it on with his mother.
14: (For He is the Father *and* the Son and, well, I'm just sayin' how that can look to an outsider, that's all, okay?)
15: And God did not write His Lynncest epic, for His story idea did take a hike before He could write it down. And boy was He pissed off about *that*, for it would've really livened up the Apocrypha, yo.
16: And verily He was stumped, for He had already handed over the back buttons and the delete keys, and He knew not what else to do. For even omnipotence fails in the face of Fandom.
17: Finally, the Lord God stood ready to smite His ungrateful children with fire and lightening and show cancellations from the skies. And He said unto them, "Jesus fucking Christ on a skateboard -- sorry, Son -- are you people never happy?"
18: And the multitude answered, "No, Lord. And whose fault is that, eh?"
19: And God said, "Fair point, well made."
20: For truly, that was exactly the way He had made them. And that was the way they would ever be, from that day until the ending of the world.
21: And, lo, too late did He start to regret that He had not used a beta during the Creation.
22: And so He set aside His thunderbolts, and popped in His earplugs, and went back into His den to curl up with a story about Joey Fatone and Lance Bass doing each other in a dressing room, in drag.
23: (For who would choose a loaf and five fishes when they could have one Phatfish?)
1: And it came to pass that some people wrote fanfic, and they had themselves a high old time of it, and why not, for it was fun...