1. Bring molasses and spices to a boil in a pot.
2. Add baking soda. Watch in mild consternation as mixture foams up to top of pot and acquires strange souffle consistency.
3. Drop in pieces of butter, 3 at a time. Watch them vanish into depths of brown foam goo. Stir randomly and hope unseen butter is completely melted before adding more.
4. Mix in one large egg, then flour and salt.
5. Knead dough. Become strangely and unhealthily fixated on kneading soft, scented, warm dough. Mmm, knead it a little harder, baby. That's right, just like that... ooh, I'm melting in your hands. Or maybe that's just the butter.
6. Roll out unnaturally soft, flaccid dough and cut shapes using "charmingly" misshapen star cookie cutter.
7. Carefully move cut dough onto parchment sheets, further deforming cookies in process. Slowly realize that overall holiday effect has gone from Trans-Siberian Orchestra to Limp Bizkit album. If you get my drift.
8. Bake. Watch cookies poof and blob.
9. Attempt to remove cookie sheets from oven, with much difficulty. Do the Dance of Help Help, I'm Broiling My Face Off. Cool cookies. Eat.