"Now. I've learned from Pam that Alan has a new girlfriend. i'll spare you my shock of knowing that he is able to forge all these relationships and I am not. SHE has a house she's paying a mortgage on and is a copy manager or something at Staples, where he works. He doesn't see his friends anymore. Well! I'll just steal them, then. Hah.
He can have sex and I will have his friends."