Tonight was our next-to-last show and those with theatre experience will tell you it's the show with the highest amount of fuckups and Strange Shit That Happens. There were several instances tonight.
I have to add my story.
Dramatis personae: Nancy (Cousin Tilly)
Jeff (Uncle Billy)
Sarah (Bank Examiner)
Booger Man (man in audience)
The setup: Tonight, during a scene, I completely went up in the air. The bank examiner has visited the Bailey Building and Loan and George tells her hey, we're broke. She says, "I shouldn't wonder when you reverse charges on personal long distance calls". (George's brother, Harry, who just won the Congressional Medal of Honor) had called the BBL from Washington and reversed the charges). Anyway, I'm supposed to say, when she says that, "George, should we hang up?" So I'm watching them do their bit. Me and Deborah are up on a platform, looking down at the stage. And as I watch Jamie and Sarah, movement in the audience catches my eye. I'm at just the right level to kind of see the audience. So I look and there's this man, about 60 or so, picking his nose.
We're not talking routine maintenance here, folks. We're talking deep shaft mining. Strip mining in Appalachia. He was looking for the Lindbergh baby in his sinuses or something. He was doing some serious digging. And I'm thinking "Ew! Do that shit at home or in the bathroom!" And then I realize Sarah's just said her line "I shouldn't wonder..." and I have to say my line.
But my concentration has been broken, darlings. It's gone the way of my size 6 figure, the Shakespeare monologues I had to memorize in high school, and my ability to hotwire a car. Flown the coop. One flew east, one flew west, one flew over the cuckoo's nest.
So what do I say? Well, I'm still singing the Booger Pickin' Blues with Booger Man, so I pipe up. In my fevered and snot-filled haze, I dimly recall something about the phone and reversing charges. I flail blindly for my line and I miss spectacularly.
"George, should we reverse the boogers?"
Jamie, Sarah, Jeff and Deborah just look at me. Jeff surreptitously eyes my sweater pocket to see if I've nicked his dugout. Deborah discreetely sniffs my breath to see wtf I've been drinking. Jamie snickers but hides it, and Sarah gives me a "You gotta tell me where you got the shit you've obviously been taking" look. In what seems like an hour but was probably only a second, I recover and say "I mean, should we hang up now?" Then I hiccup and pick up Uncle Billy's flask, indicating that Cousin Tilly's been in the egg nog.
Onstage and off.
Thank GOD, intermission was right after that.
Best part? They were taping the show tonight.
I can't ever become famous now. Because they've got blackmail.