...Then I just decided to avoid all words using the letter "s", ala David Sedaris. This led to a great difficulty with plurals and possessives, as well as generic and useful pronouns like "this" and "these" and "those", and halfway through the day I decided some hissing was preferable to speaking with stiff and overly formal diction, sounding for all the world like I'd fallen out of the Pretentious Tree, hit every branch on the way down, and landed on the ground with a forceful exhalation of breath in a sound not unlike--you guessed it--a hisssssssss.
...I have no other choice but to enter a convent, where I will give up the rest of my days to....whatever people do in a convent, nunlike things, I suppose, like making soup and illuminating medieval manuscripts and reminescing about the good old party days with that rambunctious, crazy Mother Teresa. I'll enter a convent and once I'm there, I will take a vow of silence. Only I'll be referring to it as a "vow of quiet." It was nice knowing you all.