I dislike spam.
I'm writing to tell you all the exciting news that I've been asked to deliver the opening address to the second annual S.P.A.M. (Spam: People Are Money) Conference in Albany, New York, this year. I'd like to share with you, my friends, the draft that I have put together for this wonderful occassion.
Given all the uncertainties of life, I'm thankful for the existence of spam; it's either a hit or a miss. Simple glances at the subject or sender allow you to make a decision in seconds over whether or not this piece of cyber delight is for you. For instance...
Subject: Don't Put on Winter Weight!
***** Okay, I won't. Delete.
***** Try e-mailing a self-help guru instead. Delete.
Subject: It's me!
***** Not for long. Delete.
Subject: Viagra for women!
***** I'm gay, and you're stupid. Delete.
Subject: Viagra for men!
***** See the above.
Subject: Someone has a crush on you!
***** Oh, I'm emotionally overwhelmed. Whatever shall I do. Delete.
Sender: Your next-door neighbor
***** ...is a stalker, because somehow s/he has my e-mail address. Delete.
Perhaps I wouldn't be so hasty to delete these textual morsels if they were slightly more tailored to me... if they resonated with my interests and preferences. For instance, if my friend Rienhaulder Spriegalman got the second piece of spam that was listed, he might react in the following matter. "Gosh darnit, David, I wish that for once, an anonymous stranger could acknowledge the existence, richness, and complexity of my bisexuality."
Ri, this one's for you.
Subject: "Buy"Sexual, While Supplies Last!
***** (Ri: Why, I just think I will! This sounds wonderful! Click!
Subject: Bi, Bi, Birdie (and other classics!)
***** (Ri: I hate that movie... but, the boyfriend likes it! Click!
Subject: "Bi" the way, SPRIEGALMAN...
***** (Ri: What a clever and witty pun! Click!
Spammers of the world, now, you have been provided with a chance to utilize this untapped advertising snare. Please use this unfolding day as an opportunity to grow through acknowledging the diversity of netizens.
Subject: Continues glaring at the spam in his mailbox
**** (Me: Delete.